Sunday, February 28, 2021

Shadow Work Sunday: Journal Entry 11


Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. Before I delve into another Shadow Work Sunday, let me get all up to speed on what's been going on since my absence.

1. I experimented with using the microphone as an alternate way to do entries. However, I decided not to push forward with it because of the difficulty it took to make sound clips play on this platform. I may explore it in the future but try to utilize it in a different way.

2. In my update entry, I mentioned that I would be having carpal tunnel surgery on my right wrist. That surgery took place earlier this month. I was in a cast for about two weeks which I wasn't allowed to take off or get wet. In addition, I was given some strong meds in case I was in a whole lot of pain. Plus, I had to elevate the wrist due to the swelling that took place.

The toughest parts, prior to the cast being removed, were:

(a) Adjusting the way I had to sleep

Because I am primarily a side sleeper, I had to switch to sleeping on my back to keep my hand elevated through the night.

(b) Modifying or skipping certain workouts

As far as weight lifting or resistance training, I could not do any of these at all during this time frame. There is this program I am a part of that works to assist with the pain I'd been experiencing in my neck and upper back area, but some of the modules I was unable to do.

(c) Modifying certain tasks that one may take for granted

Activities that one wouldn't think much of, like brushing one's teeth, washing one's face, and putting on clothing, had its moments. I utilized my left hand quite a bit, and overall, it did the best it could. 

3. On the 16th, the cast was removed, along with the stitches. The removal of the stitches was rough. No, you don't get numbed up for the task. Just some alcohol, tweezers, scissors, and tugging to get those out.

(The picture on the left is all the stitches; the picture on the right is immediately after.)

I will do a further follow-up on how functionality has been after the surgery in a separate entry. I just wanted to fill in the gaps before proceeding.

I have been in a creative space for a while but was unable to hone in on what I wanted to write about. Sure I thought about dictating/recording the topics but they are less jumbled when I write them down. So, knowing that, I decided to wait until something concrete came across that moved with so much velocity that I didn't have a choice but to sit and put them to screen or paper.

I'm at the gym, in the midst of doing my last segment of cardio, when a line came to me. Initially, I believed it was part of some story or poem I was supposed to write. Not wanting to lose it, I typed the line quickly on my Notes app. After I was done with my workout, I read the line and realized it was to be the topic of this Shadow Work, although it is not part of any of the prompts.

I have to prohibit my propensity to heal the broken from picking romantic partners.

Okay ... you may be wondering what that means.

In past entries, I have spoken about being an empath, along with some of the challenges which come along with having such a gift. One of these challenges I want to cover in-depth.

I did not decide to operate fully in my gift until quite a few years ago. Upon that decision, I wanted to learn as much as I could about the gift, particularly how to stop perceiving it as a burden. You see, up until encouragement from one of my Spirit Sistas to embrace it, I had been in battle with this trait all of my life. Mainly because it often got categorized as oversensitivity as well as a mental disorder. Due to all of the stigma, I wanted to do all I could to separate that from myself.

If something is part of your DNA, you cannot just wish it away or surgically remove what you don't like or do not understand.

Once I accepted that the trait of an empath was part of my DNA, it was a tremendous relief off of my shoulders. Now I had to learn how to navigate through the waters and not only change my perception but also fortify myself.

Before my dedication to learning, I was an unhealthy empath. I did not set boundaries for myself when it came to interactions with others. It put me in precarious positions where I did not get alerted to the danger until it was much too late. In addition, it also thwarted my lens in how I perceived people, particularly those with who I chose to be involved.

This is not to throw any salt or shade on anyone from my past. I am speaking of my own lens and of my own behaviors.

When an individual sought me out and expressed interest in me, if I felt similar interest, I looked at them from another set of eyes.

If he told me his dreams, I saw what he could be if given the support and opportunity for those dreams to be fulfilled.

If he gave me a glimpse into his pain and suffering, I would think of what healing balm I could enact so that it would be less and wouldn't carry forward into my involvement.

For at my core, I am a nurturer, a healer, and driven to provide remedies.

If one is not careful, the entity can make choices that really should be left to the person. If one is not operating from a healthy space, then certain frequencies can resonate the same, even though they are not. 

In retrospect, I know that the majority of the companions selected were chosen by my gift not necessarily by me. If I could (fill in the blank), then I would be putting my gift to purpose, and being purposeful to my companion represents me being a better human being.

Back then, that is what I believed.

In those selections, I did not see the present representative (the person in front of me) but a future projection (what he could become in ideal circumstances). The optimism I exuded from what my empath saw harnessed the same heartbeat and rush as love. I loved the promise.

When optimism faded and my human eyes took the wheel, the highly logical component of me went to work, but by then, it was as they say "too little, too late". 

At that point, months, even years, had already been invested, and even though it was apparent that the union was a mismatch, what consequences were I willing to suffer?

In the beginning, the moment I experienced the itch of discomfort, I moved on.

Yet, as I got older, and the relationships stretched out longer, it was more difficult for the ties to be severed. Part of the hesitation was this sense of paying penance for a bad choice. Another was weighing out if the points of contention were worth walking away. 

Both cases were extreme. In my earlier years, I acted too swiftly; my later years, too sluggish.

Because I did not have balance, my selections led to imbalances which stretched over all areas of my life.

Does this mean that I did not love anyone I selected? No, it does not. However, if I was spiritually and emotionally healthy, there are some people who never would have made the cut.

Coming to this epiphany is huge for me. It symbolizes I am growing.

Yes, I have always been self-aware. Yes, I've always placed high importance on accountability. However, this impromptu Shadow Revelation is more than that. It mirrors what I have to do before I dab my toe in romantic waters.

I cannot let my gift be the deciding factor in the pursuit. I have to be more discerning. If a man speaks about a dream deferred, instead of immediately asking myself, "How can I be a part?", ask him, "What challenges are in your way and what are you doing to combat them?"

If a man talks about why his relationships have failed, instead of automatically taking his narrative as gospel, ask "What did you learn about yourself through these relationships? Was there anything you could have done differently?" It is so easy to paint the other person out as the villain, but usually, there are precursors before stuff goes to shit. It's never as "all of the sudden" as we believe.

I know that the gift and logic can work together and by doing so can assist me in avoiding disaster, rather than sprinting right into the danger. The awareness happens once you are healthy, and for the advancement in health, I am grateful.

That concludes this Shadow Work.

Until next time,

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