Sunday, November 1, 2020

Shadow Work Sunday: Journal Entry 7

Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. You will not see much in the form of Bitmojis or a ton of graphics to provide levity or comic relief. This Shadow Work Sunday entry is a heavy one. Therefore, I will provide the following:

The following blog post is NSFW, and it may contain content or references that may trigger those who have gone through similar trauma. If you are bothered, feel free to stop reading.

Shadow Work is in many ways similar to therapy. There are moments when the sessions are okay and you feel immediately lighter after divulging. Then, there are other moments when you feel bad. When you ask yourself, "Why the heck am I doing this again?" When the emotions feel too intense and too much. This is going to be one of those posts for me.

Let's dive into the depths.

Do you have any fetishes/kinks that stem from issues in your past? Do they liberate or hinder your healing process?

Confession: The struggle has been real throughout my life as it pertains to anything sexual.

My upbringing was that anything sexual was a bad thing and only in the context of marriage was it good. I was one of those individuals who wanted to wait until I had a great relationship leading to marriage to experience sex, even though the majority (if not all) of my friends during that time had already done the deed.

In hindsight, the guy who was my boyfriend at the time wasn't exactly the most emotionally mature. Heck, he wasn't even able to handle if I was late when calling him. How could I have trusted him with a gift as sacred as my virginity?

Although I had every single pamphlet from the local health department, which touted, "If he loves you, he will wait," it's difficult to keep your mind on that when one feels immense pressure. Part of the pressure is that he and I were arguing a lot and he kept doubting whether I loved him. I didn't like the back and forth, always feeling as if I were doing something wrong. I just wanted to do something to pacify his insecurity. For me, giving my virginity was a last resort, and I wasn't fully sold on it initially, because I didn't see him as the "forever guy". On the other hand, there was pressure from outside forces that didn't want me with the guy anyway. Strangely enough, the more opposition that popped up, the more united we were, even amidst the personal disarray.

Eventually, I gave in. Would the moment be as wonderful and earth-shattering as one reads in a book? Would he remember to be gentle? Would he even know how to be romantic?

I know he remembers it one way, but I can't make his truth my truth. 

I remember how cold I was. How uncomfortable the bench was. Nope, I didn't even get the decency of a warm bed. I remember the immense pain and when my hymen was broken. How he wasn't gentle at all. He went inside me like he thought someone had visited before, but how could that be, when I told him I was a virgin?

I found out the real reason behind his behavior. One of my ex's told him that I wasn't a virgin, and rather than have belief in me, he decided to believe my ex. That wounded me deeply and brought forth this issue.

It's difficult for me to feel safe and trusted in sexual situations with men.

Because he didn't trust that I had been truthful with him in the highest manifestation of intimacy, I always felt this high level of anxiety whenever he wanted to go there. Like, as long as we were doing stuff, like simply holding hands or hugging, it was fine. But as soon as he wanted to do other things, I started shutting down to get through the act. The pep talk I would tell myself, "Just do what he wants and it'll be over." Eventually, I was able to do it on autopilot, so much so, he actually to this day believes I was into it.

My relationship with him ended a few months before I started my freshman year in college. I attended college with the intent of staying focused on my education, but I didn't take the time to go into myself and heal, which is what I should have done.

Being a senior in high school is different from being a freshman in college. There is so much to adapt to. Living away from parents. Being able to go to parties and do activities without someone else to answer to. If you've never been exposed to that type of freedom before, you are like a fish out of water. College guys seem hip and sophisticated, especially if you've didn't have that before.

I sought the safety and connectivity in sex that I didn't find in my high school boyfriend. Not a relationship, so much as proof that sex could be fulfilling. But the first few months were uneventful.

Then, a well-known (on campus), smooth-talking, charismatic musician entered the picture. I wasn't paying him much mind at first but there were so many rumors about him. One, he wasn't into settling down with one woman, and two, he gave "phenomenal head".

Now, I wasn't one hundred percent sure what that meant, but once I put two and two together, I admitted that I wasn't uncertain if I would be down with that. The HS guy never did that with me, although he liked it done to him. I was told that I didn't know what I was missing. 

Side note: College campuses (particularly small ones) are highly gossipy.

So ... somehow, the smooth talker got word of my inexperience and alerted me that if I wanted to find out that he could show me. I was like, "Sure, whatever". Mainly, because I thought he was lying, and besides, even if he weren't, how would he manage to sneak in the freshman dorm to get access?

Let's just say that he had connections.

My first experience with the smooth-talker was a far cry from the loss of my virginity. Very careful. Very gentle. Very attentive to what I needed and wanted. As if he actually cared.

He was a man of his word. All he gave was lip service (a lot of it) and then he left.

I was put to bed, literally. And I would have been fine with just having that moment. But, he pursued me, which was what I didn't want. Eventually, he ended his other affair and his relationship with his girlfriend, but it still took time before he convinced me to take a chance with him.

The early moments with the college musician were amazing. He was a natural talent and that bonded with the writer in me. He was very articulate and just had a way about him. He was very open with sensual and sexual exploration, and because he was comfortable with it, I was able to release my view that anything sexual was a bad thing.

Eventually, things deteriorated, but even after I no longer felt safe with him, I held on to the ways he liberated me.

On the flip side, as I was liberated sexually, I began to emotionally disconnect.

After the tumultuous break-up, the makeup of my heart changed. The cracks were already in play after the high school romance ended, but more cracks were added after things ended with the college musician. I was hyper-focused on my studies and autopilot on other matters. Not saying that I didn't get in other relationships, but some of them began to blur together as if there weren't space where one ended and the other began. This was around the time when connecting with people online became very important to me and where a lot of my romantic relationships were long-distance.

For me, the long-distance served as comfort. Having a partner in short proximity had activated my view of constant access as toxic. The college musician would always have people looking to see what I was doing during moments when we were not together. Some of his spies, who were also interested in me, would lie to him and say that I was doing inappropriate things. So, to have any type of relationship on campus after our breakup was difficult, and I was tired of fighting the negative rhetoric said about me that wasn't true.

In these long-distance relationships, I made it a point to assert my dominance, to put acts in place that I wanted. I was tired of being submissive.

To spank and tie-up a guy made (and still does make) me feel powerful.

Although its birth is from trauma, even minus such, there is something cool about a person trusting me enough to allow me to do such. I mean, I would never do anything like that without it being discussed first (safe words, etc), but the trust and surrender ... it's just very special and sexy to me.

Don't get me wrong. I did have relationships where my sensuality and emotions could move together, but due to my early trauma, it took a very long time to get there. There are moments when I still do a bit of battle.

For me, the act of sex is more than the culmination of orgasm and penetration, which is why I didn't feel like myself when I had sex without a deeper connection with the individual. It was almost like a violation to exchange that level of energy with someone if you didn't care if you were to ever see that person again.

When I finally got the message that others could not fix the brokenness within me, I got off the "get into a relationship right away bandwagon" and spent time with myself. 

~I have many layers to me, multiple layers of fluidity. All of them function to make me who I am.

~I have viewpoints about connectivity, sensuality, and intimacy that may be different from the conventional, but on the same token, I believe that what goes on between people intimately is their business.

~On that point, if a person goes and brags to someone else how good her sex life is, how mad can she actually be if the person she's bragging to wants to try it? Yeah, you should be able to trust the people you tell your business to, but the world is very cutthroat. Therefore, I believe the best sex life is the one best kept close to the chest (aka keep it private).

~If there is anything sexual that you feel is not healthy or has caused you trauma, you should not be afraid to seek help for it. Similar to there being a stigma toward mental illness, there is also one in regards to dealing with sexual trauma. I am very thankful there were resources available to me while I was battling through it.

So ... do the fetishes hinder or help me? 🤔

Well, at this stage, I think they just make me more human. I'm not the "goody-two-shoes" I was made out to be, but I wasn't that huge "super freak" I was made out to be either.

I can laugh at that statement now, although back when I was going through it all, it was the farthest thing from hilarious.

If anything, it means I'm grown.

Now, to attract someone just as grown ... lol.

Thanks for going on this interesting wave for Shadow Work Sunday.

Until next time,

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