Thursday, January 14, 2016

Must There Be War?

For this absence, I offer no apologies. The closest one I can give is life. All I know is that I’ve missed writing on this side of the track. All I’ve deduced is that it is needed.

I didn’t have a New Year’s Resolution to do this. I just felt like something was missing. Before, I was always able to circle back to being Unleashed … yet, the circle had started to become wider. I sit here amazed that it has almost been a year since my last entry.

I’m not in a recap state of mind, more on reflection, if I am to be honest. When I ask, “Must there be war?”

I’m talking about the chemistry between my writing life and my personal life.

For those who have followed me since the Yahoo 360 days, you are already aware of the mass amount of turbulence I experience while in the throes of my relationship. Yes, I was doing a bit of writing here and there, but I had not published since 2006. I wasn’t bothered by it at first because I was being a worker bee and being a companion—that as long as I was doing some writing, it wasn’t as if I was in a slump. Then, that fell apart … the relationship, that is … along with having to relocate. Plus, since the company was left in a bit of a lurch, I opted to stay rather than to continue my pursuit of other avenues—mainly because I had to relocate and incur extra expenses that what I was pursuing would not be able to manage, yet what I was doing at the time … could.

My writing lulled as I got into survival mode. Around the time I decided it would be best that I’d be by myself for a while, someone came along who I thought would be a great friend. Despite my having reservations, this person chipped away at my wall until I finally decided to give him a shot. As I continued to work through things, my writing began to pick up.

In 2013, I was brave enough to get back out in the writing community. I had written enough to come out with another poetry collection but one work that I thought about discarding, I chose to publish instead. To me, it was a major step in healing from that previous relationship. It was also a major step because it solidified that I was ready to be active on the publishing front.

As a writer—particularly when I’m writing poetry—I tend to be in the moment. I have to have that time and space to get down the words in exactly the right way, or risk losing the inspiration. The person I was with said that he understood, and in the beginning, he would assist in proofreading—letting me know what worked and what didn’t.

I’ve always done well with being able to balance different duties. Even when I would write, I would know when to stop and spend time doing other things. To me, it didn’t seem like a challenge to be in a romantic relationship and bring new life in my writing career.

Unfortunately, I guess I was the only one that didn’t perceive it as a challenge.

Once 2014 kicked off and I was venturing into different forms of writing, instead of cherishing my writing time, this person was going out of his way to invade it. Before, he was so understanding. Now, it appeared the only time he wanted to connect was the times I wanted to write. I can count on fingers and toes how many poetry pieces got lost due to interruptions.

By the time I was done and ready to connect with him, I was given the cold shoulder. Either he decided to get busy with gaming, looking at TV, or he was asleep. Then, he would come up with all types of reasons to justify his distant behavior. One he would use the most is that he started feeling like he was in competition with my writing. To me, it is only competition if I never disengaged to connect with him—that was never the case.

So with all of this, it does have me wondering if my writing career and having a personal bond with someone have to be at war?

When I’m doing less writing, the personal relationships are on a steady ebb. Yet, when I’m doing more writing and open to having interests outside of just being a mate in a relationship, it suddenly becomes a problem, despite before being told, “There’s no problem. I support whatever you do.”

It makes me feel like, “Which is the truth?”

I don’t want a person to feel like he has to lie. I’m like this—If you are the type who has to have attention 24-7 and anyone or anything that takes away from that is perceived as a threat, you have the right to be who you are. However, don’t pursue someone that can’t feed your attention beast. Don’t say you are comfortable with another person’s interests when you want to be that person’s only interest.

There’s compromise and then there’s conditioning. Some people are conditioned to want a certain level of attention, while others don’t need as much.

My penchant for writing was gifted to me … it isn’t something where I can flick a switch and it just stops. Even the rare times I’ve tried to stop, it doesn’t work out well. It makes me feel like I’m going against my own nature. It’s my conditioning.

The compromise is when I don’t get so overtaken by my muse that I neglect the outside world—bills, chores, work, my personal hygiene, my duties as a mate.

In that regard, I compromise every day.

I confess to feeling some type of way when people who knew my conditioning agree to the relationship, only to try and change my conditioning despite my being compromising.

I know I don’t want to be at war in this regard, yet if I’m forced to choose … it’s a bit of a no brainer.



Mahoganydymond™ said...

I feel what you are talking about.. I just so happened to post on my blog today about when it was the IT THING and I happened to see you posted.. I just have lost that feeling..

As the Budda Flows said...

I sometimes feel the need to spill on my blog instead of FB. My life right now if working, getting my oldest prepared for college, and keeping my 15 year encourage and away from the peer pressure. My release on my 3rd book has came to a stop until i clear my yard. Every now and then i can whip out one or two pieces in a night but it has become 2nd nature to me. It will come back to you love, and your love will understand your need to release.