Combination of everything
Jocking for position
Each thing believing it’s the most important
No honorable mentions
Just requiring validation
Their opportunities to shine
The only thing I can say is
One thing at a time.
-Queen of Spades
Hmm...that side tail does look like the business, eh?
It’s been a while since I've done any type of Soul Cleanse. Heck, it’s been a tiny minute since I've done a personal blog with the prequel to the Life Event, the Life Event itself and mixed reactions.
How does it feel? How does it feel to be an actual wife? To be on the inside rather than the outside looking in?
I want to share with you (if that's all right) a hindsight and some discoveries. It may not be in any particular order; I just put them down according to how they flowed out.
Discovery 1: One of the discoveries is that one has to let go of the fantasy of marriage. What I mean by the fantasy of marriage is when one thinks the marriage will stay in the same ambiance as the moment of the wedding and the honeymoon. I'm not saying a marriage cannot be full of happiness the majority of the time, just to not be surprised when there are some off days.
Discovery 2: Also, it is easier to get married than to maintain marriage. It’s like cashing in the Money in the Bank contract when you see the champ is wounded after a match and can’t defend himself. Sure it was easy getting that belt; the challenge is in keeping it.
Discovery 3: In addition, there are so many people who say being single is where it’s at. If that is indeed the case, it doesn't make sense for me to get more attention now (as far as being noticed) than back in the day when I didn't have anyone. Was I ugly before and suddenly got sexy once a ring was put on my finger?
Discovery 4: Marriage is more than a piece of paper. There's a mentality, a maturity that goes along with being married. It is not easy to promise yourself to one person. You can't hold on to single type acts when you are in the play of matrimony.
There are some who will say that since the Sweetie and I lived together for quite a while (since early 2010), it should feel no different now that a ring has been put on the finger.
On this, I would have to disagree.
Hindsight: Perhaps it would have been better if he and I had spent some more time not residing in the same place. One of the reasons I say this is due to the fact that he didn't have that real taste of being fully independent (like not having a roommate/bachelor lifestyle) prior to us living together. Also, if he and I were to have a spot, it would be one that we picked out together and could truly be ours, rather than my being in the apartment for a little over two years, not having to deal with anyone, and then having the space occupied.
It’s a different feel. You feel like you’re together in the space, rather than one person just residing in the space. In that sense, I confess to putting a slight stunt in the development.
(In the future, I hope this gets rectified.)
Being a significant other to someone is more than just a title. There is a demeanor, a responsibility that goes along with it, especially when you are making the transition from girlfriend to fiancee’ to wife (even from boyfriend to fiance' to husband) .
As the bond between us began to deepen, interdependence, independence, and cohesiveness as a couple walked (and still walks) a fine line. (more on this further down)
I had to really stop and take a look at certain things. Were certain behaviors mannerisms of being a good mate?
I also had to stop and take a good assessment of my circle. Were those people truly happy for me no matter what? Or were they waiting for something to go wrong to speak the mantra, “Bump that mutha fucka; you don’t need him!”? Did their viewpoints come from a truly objective place or from an understandable place of pain?
All of that had to be taken into account.
I am one who is in tune with the twitching of my 3rd Eye when it comes to individuals. The Sweetie is a bit more open minded (I don’t want to automatically assume
when it comes to new people trying to become closer to the fold.
Firm Stance: I feel anyone coming in that is new (whether single or coupled) should really take the time to get to know the both of us, not just one of us. To me, marriage is a package deal.
It just doesn't feel copacetic if I’m getting to know someone new and the Sweetie isn't aware of the new person that has entered. Let’s all talk; let’s all get together. There may be an instance where the new person may get along with one better than the other but it shouldn't get to a point where the bond of husband and wife is disrespected. There is a right way and a wrong way of doing anything.
In addition, for those old friends—especially in the dynamics the Sweetie and I have (majority of his friends: female; majority of my friends: male), the message has to be conveyed—respect has to be given to the union. If in the past, the person felt like they could call all hours of the day of night, he has to be put on notice that same protocol in a married situation may be viewed at as disrespectful. It’s my responsibility to let my male friends know thoroughly, just like it’s the Sweetie’s responsibility to let his female friends know that he can’t be Dr. Phil 24-7.
Let me go back to that tightrope—the balancing act between interdependence and coupledom. There are some activities he likes that I’m not crazy about, just like there are some things I’m into that isn't his cup of tea. Yet I don’t think I have to always be involved in what he is active in.
I still feel like it’s important for a person to enjoy things outside of spending time with the other person without feeling some type of guilt.
Would I like him to be open to trying some new things at least once? Yes indeed.
Am I going to demand it out of him each and every time? No.
The worse thing that can happen is that he hates it; then he doesn't have to do it again.
But what if he likes it?
Discovery 5: (My Take) On the same token, one can’t get so caught up in the other activities that you forget you are in a relationship—where one isn't carving out time for the other person. Coupledom shouldn't start feeling like a chore; it should be something joyous—a way to mentally, spiritually, and emotionally connect. One shouldn't mind putting off the activity just for that time to invest it with the husband or the wife.
I know there will be varying views on this, but I've never needed a mate (even before I got married) to be constantly under me. That hasn't changed now that I am married.
As a FYI: Being a wife doesn't make me an altogether different person. To me, it’s an added role. It’s a representation of another side of me. I can be the person who goes outside the home and makes the money. Yet, I still take great pride in being able to provide a home cooked meal, an organized space, and trying to maintain a clean space.
So I laugh when some people come out of the woodwork and say, “You’ve changed. This isn’t you!”
It makes me wonder if they truly knew me at all.
More to come a bit later.