Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Soul Cleanse 31: B is for Bring

It’s time to bring the old thing back
For this new thing ain’t the right thing
Not the right thing to make my soul sing
Yes bring the old thing back
Cause when it’s time to paint the theme
The truest essence of me
It’s the emergence of old
When the truest me is the most bold…


Bring back activities that brought me joy and maintained my levels of peace.

Through life, people go through changes.  I am definitely not an exception.  However, it is up to us to decide how those changes impact us.  Some are for the better; some aren’t so much.

Yes, there are scars on the outside, but nothing compared to the scars I carry within.  

Some changes in my life have placed me in uncomfortable places.  Displacement to the point where I couldn’t even recognize who was in front of me.

Some of those changes were put in place to help me cope with what was going on around me.  

One example is during the time I was in one of my abusive relationships.  At first, I used to fight, but then I realized the abuse and beatings got worse when I put up a fight.  After a bit, I stopped fighting.  I tried my best to cope; I caused my mind to go somewhere else—to find some sort of sanity as the rest of me was being ripped to shreds.  It wasn’t the right thing; in hindsight, I destroyed myself more, but I felt I was preserving myself to live survive another day.

Another example occurred during the Era of Bittersweet (aka M).  

When M would snap or act ugly towards me, my initial reaction was to argue back or walk away.  However, as M got sicker, I began telling myself, “It wasn’t really M.  It’s the medication doing it to M.”  It helped me to deal when the ugliness got worse; however, it also gave M more permission to act a fool, since M could always say it was the illness or the side effect of all the medication which was causing M’s behavior.  I’m not saying that in some cases, it wasn’t true, but as time went on, I know it to be less of that and more of “M just really didn’t want to be with me anymore.” 

The more trauma I was dealing with, the less activities I was doing which brought me joy.  In some cases, I was just taking things one day at a time, just trying to survive.  I wipe out my familiar to deal with other’s unfamiliar.  At moments, I did the unthinkable to ensure other’s peace would be maintained while those same ones cared little to none about whether I had any peace left.

Slowly but surely, the parts of me I loved, the activities I treasured, are coming back to the forefront. 

As a plus, these things I can do with practically no resistance because the special person in my life is either open to doing those things with me or giving me the space so I can do them without interruption. 

Like, when he sees that I’m writing or drawing, he doesn’t interrupt me.  He knows that if he does, then my flow can get disrupted.  He respects when I’m writing or drawing.  He knows those things are sacred to me.
He knows I am a huge wrestling fanatic.  Although he only looked at it a little before, he now has a seat to look at it with me and has even gone to a few wrestling events with me.

I do like to go out and dance—not all the time, but he is open to going with me when I do.  Even if all he does is two step, he does dance a little bit with me.  He’s okay with me going to the club by myself (I just don’t exercise the option to do so….).

Even though there has been a lot of new (in terms of style and look), it is refreshing to have the essence of old back.


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