In this fabric, there are loose ends. I debated for a long time whether to let the thread dangle. At first, I could overlook it but as time went on, the thread stayed in sight. Its’ constant appearance let me know, “You must do something about me.”
Do I dare take the steps to put the loose end back in place? Or should I cut the thread and allow the fabric to do without?
deep inhale/deep exhale
Not sure what would be a proper greeting, so I guess I will jump right in:
Sigh, this is long overdue, but I must admit it took some time for me to get ready. The way I handled things was sloppy, but so was this whole thing with us. I’m not sure if you are ready to recognize that or to even take responsibility for your part in this.
It’s not my place to throw stones or to throw blame—only in that certain things didn't have to escalate had they been handled differently. I’m only going to address my part and you can do as you wish.
Yes, I miss you. Yes, I did care about you. A small part of me still does, but there’s a reason why it’s just not enough for me to reopen the chapter.
Too many crucial mistakes were made, and they were primarily from me.
First off, the moment I really began learning that you desired more from me than friendship, I should have taken a step back. As much as I wanted to experience intimacy with another person again after my break up, what I really needed was a friend. I didn’t recognize that right away. I had become so numb to anyone expressing any type of interest in me that I felt good for someone to look at me and desire me once again. I was being selfish.
Then, when we both willingly crossed the line, I was willing to put the decision ONLY in your hands. I recognized that your situation was complex, but at this stage of the game, it was okay. I welcomed the complexity simply because it meant I didn’t have to fully commit myself.
In addition, you were unsure; it was new territory for you, too. I was willing to go with the flow because it gave me permission to back pedal, to try not to feel as intensely for you. I was still heartbroken over my last relationship, and I was trying not to complicate things with a brand new relationship.
However, there was so much going back and forth into what type of bond you wanted with me. The waves of indecision, I admit, were starting to make me dizzy. At this point, I should have stepped in and made the decision, but I still wasn’t ready for the responsibility.
Then, there was the trust issue. I couldn’t understand the times when you would get upset during the moments when you decided “just friends and nothing more”. I didn’t think there was a gag order for us not to have conversations with other people. All I did have during that time were conversations; the one person you kept questioning me about I never got a chance to meet him, and he and I stopped communicating with each other not too long after the whole fiasco.
I just felt so violated.
You perceived my listening more than talking as my way of being "secretive", but if you would have ever talked to people who have known me via the workplace, other friends from back home, even my own family, they would be the first ones to tell you, “She's the listener, the counselor. She was never one for a lot of talking.”
It also made me realize that you didn’t really know me. You didn’t know how much I valued my privacy, not because of trying to hide anything but out of respect. I didn’t go through your property (phone, emails, etc.) trying to find out anything; if I wanted to know, I would just ask. I wouldn’t go behind your back and do anything.
Yet you did that to me; that cut through my soul, even more than your nasty text messages and threats after you perceived me as “doing you wrong.”
I should have stayed away. That was the bright neon light. Things could never be the same again. Yet, I was trying to be a diplomat; I was trying to see things your way, but in hindsight, that was insane of me.
I did attempt to get past it, but a part of me just never did. How could I really deal with someone who showed I wasn’t worthy of trust and who had already come to a conclusion about me without bothering to find out the full facts? I simply could not give of myself as I had been.
Then, certain situations came out about you which gave me pause. I learned you didn’t believe platonic friendships could exist between members of the opposite sex. I am proof that they can, but I know you didn’t buy that. The things which surfaced made me sad, but I really wanted to put my personal feelings about the situation aside and try and be a friend to you. Inside, I was being eaten alive, and the only way I could really deal was to wean myself away quietly. Circumstances just made it to where the weaning was easier, although primarily by accident.
So for not cutting things off at the head, I apologize and I’m sorry.
However, I’m too damaged on my end to stitch the fabric back together.
I’m not saying you are a bad person. On the contrary, you are wonderful person who has just been misused and taken for granted by the wrong people, which cause you to act intensely because of your trust issues.
Yet, I’m not one who has ever needed someone to be around me all the time nor vice versa. I never got to the point where I distrusted someone so much I had to go through their things. I trust until someone gives me a reason not to, and then all bets are off. Plus, if a person is doing something slimy, eventually it comes to the light.
Looks at the thread one last time before taking the scissors and severing it from the fabric…