It is 30 days and counting until my birthday. In past years, the route to September seemed to be a slow one, but this year, the time has seemed to arrive relatively quickly.
There was a period of some years when I didn’t enjoy my birthday nearly as much as I liked. A lot of it had to do with the situations I was dealing with. I don’t want to place blame solely on that one person, but I would not be one hundred percent truthful if I said the things the person was going through didn’t have an impact on my outlook. I perceived happiness as fleeting instead of something that could be a constant. My outlook was more bleak than optimism laced with realism.
Then when that union ended, it felt as if I had to start life all over again, but I didn’t know where to begin.
For a while, it didn’t feel like it would ever truly get better. I had moments where I could go and not think about the person and other times when I just couldn’t stop. I knew I was better off, but when the dysfunction was familiar and what I had come to know, there were periods when I wondered if I should have gone back when offers were made for reconciliation. I had to keep reminding myself of the pain and how miserable I was. I had to refresh myself on how miserable the other person was and how that spilled into everything that person touched.
I admit, I haven’t really been out making a brand new set of friends (not counting online). The instances where I have attempted it have ended in disaster. I’m not saying those times were solely on those other people; I can recognize I wasn’t exactly at my most emotionally perceptive.
However, I think it was my hypersensitivity that made me walk away from things a bit sooner. My awareness that I was being used and underappreciated I would not have even reacted to had it not been for the toxic aftermath of my previous union.
I had to appreciate my life again, and with that rebirth came things and people that needed shedding.
I know, for some, it can be a clean sweep, but you never know what situations might pop up. Maybe there is a friend of a friend who wants to be friends with you, and in the end, you find out that friend of a friend is toxic. That’s why I feel like the shedding is a cycle; it’s a continuous process. Even when you think you won’t encounter someone again, they may show up where you least expected. You may even share people in common and not ultimately realize it.
There are things in my life that need shedding. For the things, I’ll be straight up. Part of the reason is I was waiting for some of these things to have a purpose. I kept thinking "I’ll be able to use them" or "they will come in handy", yet it’s been months (and in some situations, years), and I still haven’t used them. Another reason is some of the things have some type of emotional attachments, and some of the attachments, although it’s been years since the relationships have dissolved, are still lingering with the things. To let go of the things will be the final closure, and it’s time. I don’t want to carry the bags anymore.
Then, there are people. Certain people I did just cut the cord and was like “Screw it; I’m not going to deal with you anymore.” Some of them know why. Some of them know but just don’t see how what they did caused the cord to be cut. And I do think there’s a small portion that is just oblivious. Then, there are a few people who want re-entry. Certain things are just choppy; I just need to have proper closure of situations, and it’s not really for them; it’s for me.
I turn to my old friend, my forever lover. My pen (or these days, the keyboard). To serve the same purpose it did twenty-three years ago. To be the catharsis.
Today, I reaffirm appreciation for my birthday, and I will not give any one or any situations any power to detract from the celebration of my life.