Monday, July 9, 2012

Immeasurable Grief: Loss of a Life Mate

You can never understand unless you’ve experienced it.

When you find someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, there is nothing like it.  I’m not talking about the whole “in love” rush because over the years, that can ebb and flow.  I’m not talking about just when things are going well because life can throw a lot of curveballs and test you.  I’m not even talking about when you look your healthiest and finest because who knows how kind the elements will be to you when you get old.

I’m talking about the type of love where you not only grow as a couple but also individually.  The type of love that is honest—that won’t sacrifice maturity for ego.  The type of love which focuses on the intangibles and not caught up in putting on a big show for others or keeping up with a certain lifestyle just to please other people.

I’m talking about that type of love, where, no matter what happens, you would rather that person be by your side than anywhere else.  Even when the two of you get upset at each other, you’d rather fight with that person than experience anyone else.

How many people have that type of iron clad love?  From the statistics you hear, with half of marriage ending in divorce, you would think it’s impossible.

But it is out there; I have seen it.

My grandparents were together for over sixty years before he died of cancer a little over a year ago.  Sure, they had moments when they had arguments, but the words “separation” or “divorce” never exited their mouths.  I don’t think it was only because people didn’t do much of that type of thing in their day…it was because they didn’t WANT to.  

To have that type of connection gone is a tough thing.

Yes, I lost a grandfather (although he was more of a father than anything).  My uncles, aunts, and mom lost a father.  But it’s nothing like the loss my grandma has experienced.  She lost her help mate in all things; how can you tell her to just move on?  It’s not like she’s going to go out there at 90 years old and try to find her a new person to be with.  They should just expect that her grieving process is going to be a long one or better yet, be respectful when she has good days and bad days.

So I take offense when people deem…A loss is a loss…

It is not the same thing.

My Sweetie lost his dad this past Sunday.  Technically, it’s his stepdad, but he stepped in when his dad was nowhere to be seen.  To me, that is Dad.

My grandpa also served as a stepdad, for only the last three children Grandma gave birth to were biologically his (would have been four, but one died in childbirth); the rest were from a previous relationship; however, my grandpa never treated them any differently than his own (and there were four others; one just recently passed on).

Yes, he lost his father, but it’s not the same type of loss as his mom is facing right now.

I understand her pain because during the three weeks I was in Mississippi when Grandpa passed away, a part of Grandma was missing.  I would never dare try to equate that pain or that level of loss the same.

Yes, you have to be strong.  Yes, you have family around you to cheer you on and be there.

But after a while, the family that is out of town has to return to their affairs.

The phone calls that used to come every day begin to trickle down, and it’s not because those people care any less.  It’s just because Life continues.

For the person who has lost their mate, time can stand still.  You don’t want to function.

If you are functioning, you are on auto pilot.  If you are functioning, you want to keep yourself busy so you don’t have time to focus on the pain.

Places you used to go to together—you may avoid because it conjures up too much.  The good memories make you smile and cause you sadness.

You have periods where you are “good”; periods where you are “okay”, and periods where you are “crashing and burning.”

Sometimes, you need people and other times, you want to be left alone; you don’t want other people to take it personal, yet from their perspective, it may be hard for them to grasp that.

Everyone deals with loss is different ways.  Just like the dealing with loss is different, so should the loss.

So my heart goes out to Sweetie and it most definitely goes out to his Mom.  Because although he is no longer in pain, it will always feel like he’s gone too soon.


Mahoganydymond™ said...

praying that things get better.... I understand the lost is still fresh and it will take time... I also pray that you have the strength yourself to help him....

No Labels said...

Thanks, Tracy. I appreciate that.