Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Grieving Process (Thrashes of the Feel-o-sophical)

feel-o-sophical: state of feeling a myriad of emotions and trying to place meaning or philosophy behind them

…this is not for the weak of heart
You dare yourself to be vulnerable
At the risk of being ripped apart
Having a predator hungry
For a dish more savory
But the other isn’t used to the taste
So it gets frowned on unfavorably
And tossed back like that too small fish
Or bloody, pungent road kill
I guess I will start the story here
Where my glistening tears spill….

I’m trying to have a conversation to get to the meat of the matter.  An excavation of how the things I have depth for are getting treated so flippantly.  Not sure if it’s intentional or one of those instances where one says the first thing that spills from the lips without thinking.  

Either way, my sleep was extremely uneasy.

I have become more honest with myself when things bother me.  

I have made great strides not to bottle as much, nor do I want to come out with neck moving (although I’ve never done the neck thing much), guns blazing, and tones on full blast.  However, I can’t ignore the things which tug at me.

I thought I had set my alarm this morning, so I can’t even recall whether I arose, shut it off or went back to sleep.  Perhaps I had never set it at all.  I know is that I woke up and realized I only had ten to fifteen minutes top before I had to rush out of the door.  

This thing weighs so heavy, yet I know I don’t have the time to give it the attention it deserves, nor do I want to bring it out now before I can truly decipher what all the feelings represent from a psychological and objective standpoint.  However, when it was time to give the customary greeting upon my departure, the coldness was sensed and the inquiry was spilled.  Of course I had to say that there wasn’t time to discuss it (which there wasn’t); it wasn’t code word for “not wanting to talk about it”.  I just was trying to do it when the intensity of my emotions were toned down just a bit.

I’ve tried to be understanding, to adopt empathy through the tough time.  

Yet I still feel.  

This thing that just recently happened, although the confession was made rather than my stumbling upon it, has sucked me like a vacuum.  It has in the sense of around this time, a year ago, the other thing (that I accidentally discovered) came to the forefront.  I have really been working hard to get past that first thing because the first one ripped me open—not necessarily the activity, but because of the deception, the comparison of what each of us was told.  I know I will never get the entire truth of the matter, but the sting of the irresponsibility required a lot of medicine.  

Just when the swelling of that sting had sunk and had gotten to the point where it was numbed, this new thing (which was really an old thing because it was claimed to have happened a while back—but in the male mind, a while could be two days ago…) comes along.

It is like I put a pause on dealing with it because the other happenings took so much precedence. 

It reminded me of when M was upset with something and she would lash out.  I couldn’t really deal with it at the time because I was working, so I tend to go into autopilot, put on my game face, and do what needs to be done, telling myself, “When I’m done with this, then I will deal with the rest.”  At times, with M, it would never come because the fury would be back-to-back, and by the time everything finally came full circle, I was emotionally gushing and mentally fuming.

Now that life is attempting to go on past the other happenings, it’s time for me to fully deal with how this thing has impacted me.

Some may say this is a Virgo thing, but it is a combination of it being me as well as it being the Virgo in me.  It is not enough to just tell me the thing happened; it has to have a back story.

It has to have origins—“What was going on that would make you want to do this?”

It has to have some form of payoff- “When you were doing this thing, how did it make you feel?  What did you gain from doing this? “

It has to have a purpose-“Why did you do this?”

You get what I mean? 

To the origins, I’ve been getting “I don’t know.”  To the payoff, "I've been guilty, I feel bad and wish I could take it back.” To the purpose, “I don’t know, wish I could take it back.”

Then to the payoff response, of course my natural inclination is to be, “Well, if you felt so bad, why didn’t you stop the moment you felt bad? You obviously couldn’t have been feeling bad during the time it occurred because it came full circle.”

I can’t sit and fake things are all right.  Both would be getting done a disservice.  I don’t think it’s throwing anything back in anyone’s face.  I am just trying to get real with this thing.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and I had done certain things, should I really expect the other person to continue on as if these things didn’t have impact?  I’m not talking about constantly throwing the past stuff in the other person’s face, but giving the other person time to gain back the trust and respect that was initially given, even if the time frames aren’t in alignment.

If I had done these things, I wouldn’t expect forgiveness right away.  Heck, I wouldn’t expect forgiveness at all.  I probably wouldn’t even ask for the other try, simply because if I am doing these things, then obviously I’m unhappy with the current situation at hand.  

If it were me, it wouldn’t have even gotten to that point. 

I would have expressed my views beforehand the moment something was lacking, and if the things didn’t get attended to, I would just bounce.  I wouldn’t leave myself open to riding the fence or being accused of not being true…not just once, but twice in the same year.

Some men are different in that way.  They want to be forgiven cleanly no matter what they do, but let the female do the same thing, there will be a Timberland boot print in the middle of her ass.  She’d get called every low life thing in the book.  He’d be telling his boys how he had been played, putting up a good front, maybe even getting other women to have fun with, when in reality, he doesn’t want to show that he got ripped apart.

To me, I feel like the only way this could remotely make sense is if there’s a reality being lived outside of my existence.  For if a person acts like he’s in his own head, should he really be held liable?  Of course the whole fly by the seat of my pants approach can apply because the actions only affect him.  These other things are no big deal because if one is in his own head, he can’t see the repercussions.  I suppose he needs an extra to make it seem like he’s part of the outside world.

Perhaps he chose the wrong extra.

I know females that can do extra.  Females that are only in the moment, don’t even look at the future and don’t subscribe to have a future.  I know females who are okay with the withholding information and the lies (even if they catch the guys doing it).  I know females that will let a guy self destruct because she doesn’t care or she doesn’t want to rock the boat.

Perhaps he is too used to the extras and this newness is scary, causing one to retract to old behaviors.

However, it’s not like I faked to be something else.  It was known upon the approach I was the opposite of the elements you had dealt with; it was accepted. 

I didn’t do a Maury, act like I was pregnant with child knowing it wasn’t yours, but told you it was so that you’d stay. 

I came; I came with honesty and with an acceptance of myself I had been struggling with for decades.  I didn’t have time to shop around for the ointment or the concealer to hide the tryst of my past relationships.  I couldn’t beautify certain things because certain things I never had the opportunity to just tell; I had put those things on pause, so of course when they finally spilled forth, they were fraught with the toxicity of a rusty blade, but I felt better, for it was out there.

I couldn’t come into this the way I came in with the rest.  

In the past, I hadn’t clearly expressed where I wanted things to go; I assumed we were both on the same wavelength.  If I realized this person was just seasonal and not someone to build a lifetime with, I made the assumption the person would pick up on it.  

With this, I laid out the blueprint, and if adjustments were to be made, I wouldn’t just automatically do them, there would be a conversation about it. 

I’m not the extra.  

I wouldn’t be a true friend or anything deeper if I don’t call out flaws that cause danger in your interaction with other people, particular ones you claim to care about, love, and be in love with.  I also wouldn’t be true if I didn’t say when I feel like you aren’t as invested in this as you initially were, not necessarily through the words but the actions being in contradiction.  I don’t think I’m wrong in trying to make sure that you aren’t doing saying things just for the sake of redemption because for me, this type of thing just doesn’t go away.

People just have to be careful the way they use words.  Respect. Honesty. Love. In-love.  I understand we are human, but if there is a bond of love/in-love that is supposed to be strong, then no other elements should be able to come in and cause erosion.  

Even if you see it as harmless, you have to look beyond the act—like if I act “this way”, will the person respond to it “this way”.  You cannot always be responsible for how the other person acts; you have to be responsible for how you act.

Where I work, more the second gig than the first, you deal with all types of people.  Some guys, particularly the truckers, tend to want to get friendly with the female cashier. 

Now, I can’t go around and scowl at everyone—wouldn’t promote good customer service.   However, I have to be able to decipher when the guy is just making small talk and when he is making a play. 

If I am not saying (even if the ring is there on the finger) anything preferring to my status or even referencing it in conversation…like if the guy is a NY Giants fan, I could be like, “Hey, my (relationship type/title) is a big fan of them, too.”, then I’m leaving myself open for trouble

Or if I’m wanting a bit of sensual/sexual attention and the person I’m with isn’t there, I still have control over what I do, even if the sexual tension feels uncontrollable.  There are options rather than reaching out to someone else to do that.  I’d rather the guy have an investment in porno, magazines, or a lifetime supply of Jergens than to get on the phone and reach out to another person to offer him some assistance.  

It’s all about choices.

A person can’t keep making bad choices and say he doesn’t know.  That’s like a puppy that’s been house trained continuing to poop on the rug long after he should know better.  It just doesn’t fly. 

A person can’t keep chalking up everything to the past.  Yes, the past has a part in shaping one’s behaviors and attitudes, but it’s up to the person whether he uses it as a crutch or a stepping stone to do better.  One can’t say, “I’m trying to be a better person,” yet when things go wrong, chalk it up to, “Old habits die hard.” 

I know changes can’t happen overnight, but some things don’t get the learning curve, especially if you are a number of years in. 

Some of the old habits are the reasons you aren’t getting what you fully want out of your relationships, although you put out there you want honesty, acceptance, trust, faithfulness, respect, and love.  

When are you going to be grown and just drink that truth serum?

Just quit saying, “I don’t know.”  

Even if one doesn’t want to admit the why and the how, I’d rather be told, “I’m not comfortable with revealing how and why this went down.” To me, that is more honest than not knowing.

Allso, “I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” would suffice, but only if it’s actually true—if one didn’t think it was a big deal.

Ideally, this is what I would like to see or hear being said in response to this recent thing:

“I can see that my actions have caused you stress and pain and I will give you the time you need to deal with your feelings associated with this.  I accept this won’t happen overnight and the sting may be felt days, weeks, or months from now.  I respect your grieving process.”

Yes, it’s a grieving process.  Just like the actual death of a person.  Anything that puts a major chink in the foundation of a relationship causes a death in its initial strength.  I need to go through the motions; I need the time to grieve the loss of that level of concreteness, for it may never return. 

So for your sanity and my own, I ask that you let me grieve.


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