Thursday, November 10, 2011

Observation: Relationships

Relationship—what should it be? What should it represent? What makes a person deem one coupling a relationship and another a sham?

I have been deep in thought about this lately, mainly through my dealings with an on again, off again couple. To me, they seem so young.

I remember being that young.

Everything was passionate, intense, vibrant. You loved the whole concept of Love; you lived for Love, and damn anyone who tried to threaten It or take It away. You felt like your world was coming to an end once the relationship was over but in the next few months (or for some, even days), you are happy to be single. What were you doing in that relationship anyway?

Is it still considered a relationship if the two people never see each other? With the presence of the Internet, more people would answer yes to this than a no. This couple never got a chance to see each other but they kept contact via online and phone calls. The activity that bonded them was video games so they interacted with each other every day for hours at a time.

It was very admirable—declarations of love plastered on their video game bios and Facebook. Others looked upon them and wanted a love like that. It just makes one feel all warm inside.

However, if one has trust issues, it’s hard to expect one person to overcome it, particular if multiple people have betrayed one’s trust before he comes along.

If one has “drama” as part of her name, is that an indicator of trouble? Not necessarily, if the slogan is “drama free”. But there are some who thrive off drama; those who believe there has to be some level of drama to keep the relationship exciting, fun, riveting.

Can one who is known for being laid back and cool have a relationship with a drama junkie and be successful?

In this synopsis, not really. Especially if one person has never experienced that type of instability in his other relationships. Of course, at first, you can rationalize it—like “she’s been through a lot of things so this is her acting out”. Or you get to the point where she starts comparing what you do to what her other boyfriends did, so you are trying to adjust your behavior to make sure you don’t set any of hers off.

What he failed to realize was that it didn’t matter what he did, drama junkies will always find some way to get their fix. It could be something as small as something he said, the way he said it. A behavior he once did normally, like play with other female gamers, is suddenly “suspect.” He wants to be with the other gamer because they played together a little too long, had a little too much fun in voice chat. Or perhaps because it mirrored how the two of them met, she is afraid she is getting replaced. No matter how much he said the contrary, she was already convinced; he had already been convicted.

After a while, the cool and laid back either: (a) Accepts that is how she is and learns to deal with this as part of his relationship (b) Tries to find the person he fell in love with in the haze of drama (c) Ultimately decides he doesn’t want to be on the roller coaster and opts out

Well, he did A and B for a while but eventually he had to do C, for he saw that she wasn’t willing to change her responses. She would do all right for a moment and then she would revert back to old behaviors.

Then she started missing the relationship but was it really because she still loved him? Or did she miss the drama of going back and forth with him? Did she just miss the feel of being in a relationship?

Of course, she says the things the other person wants to hear so he will come back. He does come back, only for him to look at himself and realize that although the two of them are back together, he’s not happy. He wonders if he was ever really happy with him at all.

Next thing she is “single and loving it”, only to be followed by “need a bf.”

A Relationship—what should it be?

I believe it should be a union. I don’t think one person should go in to try and change the other person. It should be the joining of two individuals. Sure there are some traits of one which may annoy the other person, but one has to decide what she can deal with and what she cannot.

There should be a discussion about it all in the beginning before it even gets to that stage, but how many actually take the time to do that? We get so excited, so caught up in the new feelings and we don’t want to wreck the ambiance by asking a lot of questions.

But it is this excavation that can save one from potential heartache, especially if he isn’t in alignment with what you want. The fallacy is when you wait until a lot of feelings are invested and discover the information later; you may be so “in love” that you’re willing to overlook it even though you normally would not.

Perhaps if the couple had taken this time, they would have discovered they weren’t right for each other. He would have concluded he was a rebound, since there were only days between her last relationship and her relationship with him. She would have concluded he wasn’t emo enough to fuel her need for drama. They would have been great friends with each other, but with her wanting all or nothing, she took that possibility off the table. Perhaps she will reconsider…but for right now, there is no friendship, and it is a very unfortunate thing.

What should it represent?

I feel a relationship should represent the best of both. An outsider shouldn’t look at a couple and only see the attributes of that one person. Same with close friends. And if a friend does see changes, it should be changes for the better, not “I can’t recognize him when he’s with her.” That’s not a good sign. There should be respect for each other as human beings. There should be care, love, honesty, understanding, communications—those are the building blocks; everything else is just window dressing.

I don’t feel there is such a thing as a truly “drama free” relationship. One is going to have disagreements-some small, some large. Each difference of opinion doesn’t have to be the end of the world; in some cases, it isn’t really that serious. You have to decide when to pick your battles and when to leave well enough alone. If being right is always more important to you than having peace, then your relationship experience is going to be a lot different than someone who is more willing to compromise. Does the right you’re fighting for going to improve the relationship or is it just going to make you a lot harder to talk to?

Just something to think about….

1 comment:

Reggie said...

All relationships should be unique. There is no particular blueprint other than loving one another.