Thursday, July 14, 2011

Day 24~The Heartbreaker

24~ Have you broken anyone's heart?

Yes, I have.

A couple of guys have just come out the woodwork and revealed this to me.

I do want to focus mainly on the ones I know I caused quite a bit of pain to. Some was based on foolishness; the rest was based on doing what was necessary.

1. Person R: Not the first time around, but the second.

You see, after the fiasco with him, I opted not to go to summer school so I could finish early. However, he did attend summer session. He wrote letters to me, seeking forgiveness for how he was before. He wrote me to let me know he was a changed man and wanted to take the steps necessary to be back in my life.

While I was deciding, this other guy came along, and I started dating him. People kept spreading rumors that I was going to get back with Person R. I did not plan on it; insecurity took hold of the guy I was dating; the guy broke it off with me.

I was a bit upset about the situation. I’m not going to say I was petty, but I was a bit more revengeful in those days than I am now. I needed solace; a reformed Person R got wind of this; he and I started spending time together. The guy who dumped me got to thinking about things and wanted to give things another go. I agreed to it; I let Person R know, but he didn’t care as long as he got to spend time with me.

So why was Person R hurt? Because I had no intention of rebuilding a new relationship with him--the mind games, the abuse, the cheating I had not forgotten. I just wanted to teach the other guy a lesson: if I wanted to do something, I could do it and get away with it. I had gotten to the point where I was tired of the other guy (I dumped him); I slowly started decreasing the amount of time I was giving to Person R.

Person R wanted answers; I told him things wasn’t going to work; I couldn’t get past the events of before; it was over and done with. He told me to look into his eyes and tell him I didn’t love him anymore; I did, and he lost his temper. I couldn’t tell whether they were tears of hurt, anger, or both; he reverted back to his old self. And then he sped off campus because my grandfather was trying to make record time to put a cap in his ass…

Yeah, person R, I know I did hurt.

2. Contradiction: It’s his old name he used to use on College Club. He was there for me through so much, especially all the Hell I went through with Person R. I was an emotional wreck…a definite runaway train. I could not value him the way he should have been valued. I deemed him friend, but he fell in love; I knew I didn't love him back in that way, but I stayed quiet because I didn’t want to lose him…in the end, though, I lost him anyway; he couldn't endure being my friend. I was angry because he made me choose; I didn’t want to…I wanted things to be as they were…this kind of sums up everything…a piece I wrote about 14 years ago:

The Apology
I’ve tried to keep close to me
All the people I love and trust.
It never occurred to me I could drive One away
Because I loved and held on a little too much.

I wandered through the majority of my life
Having no one I could truly call a friend
Because long ago, I was condemned by the masses
For being just a little bit different.

When they drove me in my shell,
I never allowed people to get too close;
They could love and care about me,
But I could never allow myself to love them fully.

This all changed when I got to college.
I found a little crew who weren’t fakers
But genuine spirits and true friends,
Always there for me through thick and thin.

There was one in particular I held close to me:
I loved him like an African King,
A twin soul, a first cousin,
Almost like a brother.

I kept debating whether I should
Take my chances and ask him out,
But each time both of us felt the urge,
Circumstances screwed with us each time.

But through all that, we remained true,
Spending unlimited time together;
Little did I know he was feeling trapped
Because I was so consumed with my feelings.

The way he was making me feel was good-
Special, like an African goddess;
Cherished, like a guardian angel;
Happy, like I wasn’t with my ex.
I wish I would have known then
The stress I was placing upon my friend,
Always confiding in him every time,
Not knowing he would constantly worry.

At first, I didn’t understand
Why he behaved the way he did,
But looking back, I now know
That I held him much too close to me.

So, my loved one, I’ll let you go
And be on your merry way;
My heart hurts, yet rejoices,
Hoping that you are okay.

You were always going around thinking
You were not worthy of me,
But you were wrong; I am the one
Not truly deserving of your company.

I’m sorry for all the pain I caused,
The grip I had upon your life,
And if our friendship has truly ended,
I can only sigh and say, “Goodbye.”

3. Florida Guy: The last time he came to visit me back in fall of 1999 was the toughest day of my life. If any guy was damn near perfect for me, it was he. Didn’t smoke or drink. Didn’t do drugs. Honesty. Dependable. Great communicator, Had goals. Visited me often. Romantic. Just that one part of me that was not in alignment; I tried so hard to make it go away. Then, he thought if he would just allow me to act on it, then it would go away. We both were hoping it worked, but after the event happened, I couldn’t lie to myself; I knew it wasn’t going away. I didn’t want to keep asking him for permission about something he wasn’t down with. I ended it with him that day; I had to fight tears on my end. I wouldn’t have been able to go through with it if I had broken down. His eyes were watery but he didn’t try to change my mind. I told him he could stay a little bit longer since he had made such a long trip, but he told me he didn’t want to stay around. He wished me luck in what I was looking for and was sorry that he wasn’t it. He’s a good man; I hope who ever he is with now treats him well.

4. North Carolina Guy: I had moved to GA to try to improve my life, but also because I wanted to build with NC guy. He and I had talked about the possibility of him transferring to the GA location. I didn’t want to go the long distance thing with him; he seemed to feel the same way too. I moved out there but later on discovered he wasn’t ready to take that step. Since he and I had been together, we had only seen each other once; the e-mails and phone calls weren’t cutting it for me anymore. I told him it was best that we ended it; I couldn’t deal with it anymore. He was very heartbroken about the situation but we both knew it was the right thing to do.

Who knows? Maybe there are others, but those are the ones that stick out in my mind; my heart is a little heavy; that’s all I have on this one.


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