Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Crossroads (not part of any Challenge)

(Reference Relationship Blueprint for Clarity)

No, this is not part of my Travel Journal, which I still have to go and update.

No, this isn't part of the Love Challenge or the Erotic Truths Challenge...I did my blogs for the day earlier.

This is a pause.  Not exactly a welcomed pause, but a pause.

Because I'm as full as a tick with Sorrow, Annoyance & plain ol' Disbelief.

I've always been told I'm a strange bird in general, especially when it comes to relationships.

I am not one who gets prone to jealousy.  I am a believer if a person is satisfied with what I bring to the table, that person will not do anything that will show otherwise.  I am not going to say jealousy is a useless emotion--if people knew how to utilize it properly, then it could be constructive...

For example, let's say the fizzle has gone out of the relationship.  During the time you and your mate are out, your mate notices someone flirting with you...giving you the eye, really showing you attention.  That may prompt him to realize what a good thing he has going and revive his efforts to put the spice back in making things work.  That's an example where the jealousy can be good.

But most people use jealousy in a destructive manner.  I have been on the not so pleasant end of that on many occasion.

I do not feel I have to control the whereabouts of a person.  The person had a life before me..friends before me.  I don't tell a person he has to drop all his friends to be with me; I don't expect him to tell me that, either.  I do expect honesty, disclosure of the people and their significance, however.

I'm not a believer in going through phones, pockets, notebooks, drawers; even if I had good cause, I would ask for that person to come clean before feeling as if I would have to go through that.  In my relationships, I have never gone through a person's things for the dirt to come out.

I'm not going to keep going in this direction because you could re-read Blueprint.  But I did have to put background to set up the scenario...so here it goes:

There is this person that I've mentioned in passing in a few of my blogs.  You guys can probably sense he's trying to build with me.  I'm usually a private person when it comes to talking fully about my relationships; the less people in your business, the better, in my opinion.  It has nothing to do with shame.  I can't speak for everyone else; I can only speak for me.

Well, anyway, we know about each other's friends.  He knows the majority of my friends are male; I know the majority of his friends are female.  He doesn't have a desire to hang out with all my male friends.  I don't have a desire to hang out with all his female friends.  However, there is a protocol; if we are doing a one-on-one (meaning one is hanging out with the friend without the other one there) to use some form of communication just to at least say what the plans are.

That's all I require.

There is this one female that he has been chatting with back and forth for years but they had yet to meet each other face to face.  There was a family gathering in NJ and it gave her a chance to be in the vicinity.  Naturally she wanted to meet up with him since they had been chatting for so long.  Since I had never met this female, I did at least want to see her, although I had heard of her. 

Plus if something foul was to go down, I would have description of her, car she drove, license plate, etc...you can never be too careful. 

So I got a chance to meet her.  Her energy didn't set well with me.  What I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't feel comfortable in a situation where I would have to hang with her one-on-one...Her impatient manner along with a hint of abrasiveness, but I did remain cordial. 

Initially she had planned on taking him with her to Union, which was over an hour out--but since she didn't have enough money for tolls back and forth, she decided to change strategy.  I did tell her there was not much to do since it was July 4th and some places might have closed early for the holiday.

Getting the initial info I needed, the two of them went on their way.  I went back inside, worked on some stuff, chatted with a couple of friends, etc.

Usually about 15 minutes into an hour of him hanging out, I would get some type of text from him.  By that time, the female and he have decided what type of thing they are going to do..even if it's nothing but going to the park, McDonald's, a diner...whatever.

I check my phone an hour out.  No message.

Two hours out.  Still no message.

Three hours, then four hours pass.  My phone still doesn't go off.  I still bide my time.  I still wait.

Close to the five hour mark, I text him and ask "what are the two of you up to."

Twenty minutes past that, I still get no answer.  His phone could have died but then I remembered that he fully charged it when he was at work; there was no way his phone could have run out of juice that fast.

So I texted him again to see if he was okay.  He finally responds with saying he is "on his way back."

He gets back about ten minutes later, so I inquire about how the hangout went.  He proceeds to tell me about how they went and got food and then went to the movies.  I'm doing calculations in my head because I know how far the McDonald's they went to is from the apartment and how far the movie theater is from that area. 

So he had time to text me because he said he didn't eat; only she ate.

I asked him what movie they saw; he told me The Transformers Movie..I know it's pretty new so they have lots of showtimes; I know how long the movie lasts; I inquire which showing did he go to; he said they missed one showing so they had to wait on the next one.

So he still had some time to text me before the movie if they had to wait until the next showing.

He tells me how great the movie was and everything.  I wait until he is fully settled before I ask the ultimate question, "So why didn't you text me the whole time you were out?"

He then tells me it was because of the movie.

I proceed to tell him he had 45-50 minutes beforehand (I'm counting McDonald's time plus waiting for the next show time) to let me know what was up.  How long would it have taken to text me?

Up to this point, when he hung out with males or females, he always texted me without fail.  He should have definitely texted me this time since this female is brand new...never been met by him before.

What was so different about this time?

He had no good answer for me, only very remorseful in his lapse of judgment and promising not to do it again.


It is the principle of the thing.

I give him the freedom to hang out with his friends without giving an interrogation, blowing up his phone every thirty seconds, following him, sniffing his body for perfume, checking his clothing once he gets in the door, but the one required protocol he fails to do? 

A lot of females I know, even knowing their man has male friends, would tell him to cut them off or not hang with them as often.  Or if there is a hang out, she has to come with them or it doesn't go down.  I'm not saying that based on speculation; I know females who are like this.

I asked him if the situation were reversed; if there was this male friend I was meeting for the first time, and I stayed away for over five hours with no text or contact with you, would this be accceptable behavior for someone in a relationship?  Could I basically say, in its' simplest terms, "My bad; it won't happen again"?

With some guys, I would not have even gone out.  Or we all would have had to hang out together; we all would have eaten and gone to see some Transformers. 

Ya dig...sho nuff!

So this is where the crossroads appears:

A part of me feels as if my not being this jealous, overprotective type of chic is being taken advantage of.  I'm not saying he knowingly did it; this is the first time he's slipped up.  But one has to realize there are certain behaviors that just aren't acceptable if you are trying to build. 

If he still wants the single life, he should say so.  I am not keeping someone where he doesn't want to be.  However, don't tell people you want a relationship if there are actions which reveal otherwise.

So does this mean if I start being stereotypical like...call screening, being restrictive, acting a fool, then things will be in order?  Some of you will probably be like, "Hell, yeah!"

But I don't want that shit being done to me.  I don't like being screened, being restricted, some guy acting a fool and taking it to the extremes....escalating to the point of violence.

Cause I've been there...and that is not a good place.

I don't like being screened, followed, talked at or told what to do; the only man that had that right is dead and gone, and that man tried to put a cap in the guy who did put his hands on me...

So I'm sitting here...because I haven't been able to sleep, trying to figure out for myself what would be the best happy medium.  At this stage of the game, I'm re-evaluating the arrangement as far as the outings, but I also have to be fair...if I change the stakes for him, I have to do it for myself as well.

If you guys want to chime in, feel free.  I just had to put it out there.

1 comment:

Mahoganydymond said...

Well there is nothing wrong with your feelings.. I would have felt the same way.. 5 hours is too long to be out with a stranger and not call to tell you nothing.. I know for me he wouldn't been able to hang out with chicka in the first place.. I for one would have flipped out... Either I went with them or they didn't go at all..