1~ This first post is about My First Love (what that person meant to me)
Before I delve into the challenge with vigor, I must share with you my motto when it comes to Love. You don't have to necessarily agree, but it will help you to understand why at times I cover multiple spectrums of Love.
"I Love who I Love, and Gender is no limit."
I kept that simple...now I will move on.
In the beginning, I did have what I would call "play relationships." Here's how they would go:
Guy balls up a piece of paper and aims to hit me in the shoulder with it. If he was a nicer guy (or just had lousy aim), he would fold up the paper and ask his fellow classmate to pass it until it got to me. He would have to trust that classmate to not read it before it reached final destination.
Then, I would open the note and it would say simply: "I like you; do you like me? Yes, No (and on some, Maybe)"
My answer would determine whether he would be "going steady" or "getting angry". If I happened to answer, "Maybe", there would be a follow up inquiry:
"Maybe Yes or Maybe No?"
If it was a Maybe Yes, that was the same as Yeah. Maybe No was the opposite effect.
The ones for play do not really encompass first love for me. A couple of them only lasted a week; others for a few months. Then we were on to play the same ritual with others.
My first love was forbidden love.
Let me digress a tad.
I am originally from Mississippi. The first thing that comes to people's minds (meaning those who have never been there) about Mississippi--poverty, Confederate flag, Mississippi Burning, Ghosts of Mississippi, Ku Klux Klan, segregation...are you getting the picture?
Although Mississippi has made some headway, it still has a long way to go.
Mixing of races was heavily frowned upon, even in my 1994-1995 school year, which was the time frame that I dated Ronnie.
I had not too long gotten out of a relationship with my previous boyfriend, Eric. Eric exhibited some questionable behavior during the time I was on a school trip. Ronnie was the one who revealed the news; when I confronted Eric, he could not deny that he was copping a feel on some other girl. I ended the relationship.
I was drawn to Ronnie because he was a good listener. He was very interested in what I had to say. He had a quirky sense of humor. The way he talked made me giggle. His actions were very consistent in the beginning. He had my back.
He was a lot of things Eric lacked, and that made me like him even more. Although to this day, Eric blames Ronnie for our breakup, our relationship was deteriorating well before Ronnie made his intentions known to me, and that didn't happen right away.
When Ronnie asked me out, I was a bit hesitant. Most would have said he was not my standard. I was perceived as an intellect; he was 17, going on 18, and still in the 9th grade.
I was chocolate; he was vanilla.Not tan, but for my wrestling fanatics, Sheamus white.
|Sheamus--also referred to as "Human Jar of Mayo"
And Mississippi, even in 94-95, still wasn't quite happy with it.
I addressed my concerns with him. He told me he didn't care. It would be us against the world. Only death could keep us apart.
In his words, "Fuck them; it's about us!"
I slipped off the slope of Uncertainty into the Pool of Love. He was so steadfast in his determination and conviction, I would be a fool to refuse him.
And so it began....
I took a lot of advanced classes, so the majority of my classmates were white, upper crust. They snubbed the relationship, not because of the color, but because of his financial status.
"Poor white trash," I would hear them whisper. "She can do so much better than him!"
In the cafeteria, when he and I would sit together, I could feel the eyes of my kind staring a hole in my back. None of them were brave enough to approach me with their disapproval.
It was Ronnie who got the worst of it. From black guys who felt white guys should leave their women alone. I found it laughable because none of these guys wanted me, per se; they just didn't want Ronnie with me.
It was ten times worse with his kind. Upper crust, headbangers, and poor white trash alike were very opinionated. Constant torment for being a "n_____ lover." Calls at his house. A burned cross on his lawn.
I became concerned about his welfare. I told Ronnie maybe we should end it. He insisted we persevere. He was a tough cookie; he could take it.
His mom didn't have much to say about the relationship until she started getting harassed on her job about our union. She demanded that he end the affair. He didn't want to; we were in love. She said his puppy love wasn't worth her losing her job. He told her that he would end it; he didn't want her to lose her job either.
However, the next day, he told me he wasn't breaking up with me but we had to keep down personal appearances. I asked him why and he explained the situation about his mom and work. I was heartbroken but understood. It sucked to now have to put on a facade--to make it look as though we split but we really hadn't.
I learned how good of an actress I could be.
We stopped sitting together at the cafeteria. We ceased hanging out before classes and afterwards. When we passed each other in the hall, just a quick nod between us. My classmates smiled. One even told me, "I guess you finally saw the light, no pun intended."
The guys who had harassed Ronnie before came to me and crooned, "I'm so glad you are back to black."
The ruse was working.
We did meet up on the weekends. Ronnie had his license and at times, borrowed the truck to go to the mall, grocery store, or Wal-Mart. We would orchestrate it to where we would "happen" to be at the same place at around the same time. We did not want to make it exact, for someone would suspect something was up.
Every touch, conversation, and kiss seemed sweeter, much more meaningful because they had been less frequent, because there was so much pressure to keep a low profile.
One particular day, a certain person who knew Ronnie saw us together. She confronted him, got very upset, threatened to tell his mom that Ronnie lied about our breakup. I asked him who she was; he had never mentioned her before. (I can't remember her name now; for the sake of labels, let's just call her Trina) He said her name was Trina; they went way back, but to not worry about her; he would take care of everything.
After the whole episode, my heart ached. I started to feel very uneasy. I thought he and I had shared everything. Why did I not know about this person?
After Trina saw us together, Ronnie and I had less contact. The number of calls dwindled. Our weekend meetings became less. When I asked him about it, he told me, "I'm still trying to handle the situation with Trina. We have to keep it super cool for the next few weeks. Baby, things will be back to normal; I promise."
You are probably all suspecting the worse and thinking I should have as well. But I was in love with him. I still saw the warrior who was standing by our love against all odds. I didn't know he was changing. I didn't realize the warrior had admitted defeat and had move on to be a warrior to someone else.
When things didn't get back to normal, I decided to break the ruse. I confronted him; I wanted answers. He broke down into tears and told me the story--he was using Trina as a cover up for the outside world to fully convince them he and I had broken up. He claimed he was sorry and to please not be upset with him, but he was doing it for us. He said he didn't blame me if I wanted to break up with him for real but that he would always love me.
That pulled at my heart strings. I abandoned my plans of breaking up with him. I held him and told him not to cry. I apologized for not being patient and understanding.
Boy was I a fool in love!!!
As it turns out, Trina had a few friends who went to the same school as she did. They told her Ronnie and I had been seen together. One day, she made an impromptu visit. I was on my way to one of my classes when I saw the two of them arguing. She even attempted to make a swing at him.
One part of me told me to keep up the farce, to keep walking by...if I stepped over there, some would wonder what was up.
But my heart couldn't take it anymore, and I couldn't release this nagging feeling Trina was more than a prop for the papparazzi.
I broke away and headed for the two of them.
"What's going on?" I queried.
"What I can't understand is why you won't leave my man the fuck alone!"
Back in those days, I wasn't one for a whole lot of cussing, yelling, screaming. I looked at her, puzzled. I looked at him, confused.
"What is she talking about, Ronnie?"
Ronnie remained silent for the moment.
"What are you, dumb? I just asked you why won't you leave my man the fuck alone! I've been with him for the past three months. Can't you get the picture? He don't want yo ass no more! You don't give him head and you don't give him no ass! You shouldn't be surprised. No guy don't want a chic who don't give pussy...I give him what he need and then some. You betta recognize the tricks this young thang can do...."
Her voice was faded out...only certain words were amplified.
past three months
don't want yo ass
"How old are you?"
The question startled her rant..."what do you mean?"
Like I said, "How old are you? You say you're a young thang; how young?"
Trina, with her chest out and proud, said, "I will be fourteen pretty soon."
It was at this point, I finally looked at her. Her face was heavily made up; body very well developed. It was only her voice and limited vocabulary that gave her away.
"I'm sorry, Trina. Ronnie did not inform me he was with you. He did not even tell me he didn't want to be with me. You will not have to worry about me any more. If you will excuse me, I'd like some words with Ronnie."
She looked at him, "You didn't tell her about me! I'm gone fuck you up when you get through talking with her! Got me coming over here trying to fuck her up for nothing when she ain't know nothing!"
She glanced back at me, "Sorry chic...I sure thought you knew..."
She jumped in her friend's truck and took off.
My body was on fire but my heart's temperature began to drop. My ride or die. The guy who acted like my warrior against all odds had pulled a facade on me. Trina wasn't the ruse; I had been. He sweet talked me out of my intuition's advice to break it off only to cuckold me. I never felt so wounded and so betrayed.
He couldn't even look at me.
"Everything she said is true. You've been with her intimately for three months? You know she is only 13 and by law, you're a grown man?"
"So you threw away our union not really because you couldn't take the harassment but because I wasn't giving you sex? What happened to, 'It's worth the wait'? What happened to, 'I understand and I won't push you'? What happened to, 'I think you're special; I don't go for easy pussy'? What happened to all that? Guess it got lost while you were hitting forbidden pussy!"
I had to walk away; I couldn't stand looking at him any longer. Ebony and Ivory dismissed for Age Ain't Nothin But A Number...a number that could get him locked up.
I wasn't 18 yet but he and I had started when he was 17 and I was 16. So it was a little bit different. We were both still considered kids.
He sat up and tried to grab for me, but my heart had been shattered.
"Don't touch me! You sicken me! You disgust me! I don't ever want you touching me again!"
In the beginning, Ronnie represented to me what obstacles Love was willing to endure to survive, like Intolerace and Racism.
In the end, Ronnie represented to me what my heart could not tolerate: Cheating, Deception, Lies. It also revealed to me that Love should never be made to hide or to be ashamed.
Would the relationship had been easier if he and I had been the same color? During that time, certainly. However, he and I still would have departed because of his dealings with the other female--a much younger one than me at that.
Thanks, Ronnie, for what you have taught me.