Friday, May 4, 2007

Soul Cleanse 3: Love/Life (my present synopsis)

just needing to free a lot of ish....

I. I'm looking back on what I've gone through with M.

I sit back and wonder how did it even come to this.

Were we even supposed to be together in the first place?

Why do I always get treated as the too sensitive ninny whenever I try to express something? Why do my emotions always get downgraded as me taking things too personal or being too sensitive?

Fuck that shit.

My feelings have a right to be validated, even if one doesn't agree with them. They have a right to be heard, even if the person I'm trying to tell them to doesn't want to hear them.

What should I do? Walk around, silently screaming?

Tired of doing that with people. Tired of being supportive, understanding, caring, considerate of other people's pain when they could give a shit about my own…tired of being the savior to everyone's victimization.

If I express that I don't like to do something, doesn't mean I'm not willing--just wish someone else would have the balls to do so…doesn't mean one has to be like, "Well, I won't call you then."

I guess I'm too much woman like that.

I'm not looking for a resolution. I just want to be heard and to be like, "Okay, I understand how you feel. I acknowledge that in some ways I made you feel like that."

But the response. A slammed door.

It serves as the reminder...

II.

I sit and wonder what is wrong with me. I feel so dead inside. I used to be that type that loved to be in a relationship---or at least the illusion of a happy one.

Now I feel like a hermit…like I don't want to be bothered.

I don't have the energy, nor the urge, to be sexual, even with myself.

Even seeing things that arouse me doesn't seem to work.

The medication, maybe? Maybe something else?

I get in moments when I don't feel like answering anything.

How can I tell you something when I haven't even got it figured out?

How?

Why?

When?

Sometimes, it's just easier to let the numbness take over--to tell anger and passion, "It's a draw. There are no winners here."

Thin line between love and hate?

Every once in a while, I prefer hate. It's less confusing, less difficult to explain. Sometimes, it's way easier to explain why you hate/dislike something than why you like something.

I hate being in situations where I'm powerless.

How you try to be the best person you can be and yet it feels like it's not enough.

How you question your own validity and worth as a human being.

How you torture yourself over what could have/would have/should have been done.

How you wonder about fault, blame..all the stuff that in the end doesn't mean shit.

Is there something broken in me or in the choices I'm making?

Or is my destiny really to walk alone?

I just know I feel depleted. I need rejuvenation. Just a combination of so many things. I want to throw away myself and get a new me off of e-bay (none of that refurbished shyt).

I want to put on a low cut blouse, snug sexy jeans, high heeled sandals--and know that I'm the shit…don't want to second guess it or ask for someone else's opinion. I just want to know it, and if anyone doubts it, I want to say, "Go fuck yourself," without asking myself, "Should I have said that?" or be tempted to apologize.

Kind of similar to Brian's character in Queer as Folk--"No apologies."

I want to be seen--really be seen.

Not just the hard working employee/the lesbian/the aspiring teacher/the self-published author/the cool ass chic we miss working with at Target/the high-reaching, overachieving hometown success story/the grandparent's favorite granddaughter/my mother's biggest mistake/my father's distant memory/ my ex-fiance's punching bag/the girl that my ex's boyfriends look back on and decided that we were better together/the girl that's on anti-depressants & on therapy, so you shouldn't associate with her cause she's "crazy"….

None of that shit. More than that shit.

Yes, I am a good friend, but even I get a bit weary. At times, I can be a little inconsiderate, but it's human nature to be selfish sometimes. Don't take it personal because I don't want to talk in length. It usually means I'm going through my own storms.

But the reason that I don't often share my storms is because people are going through their own, and sometimes theirs is enough.

Maybe it is still in me to be a good partner to someone.

I'm not at optimal performance right now. Hell, I am probably not even a good catch at this point in the game.

Let's look at the typical ad.

example:

27 yo BF seeks 25+ BF, DD free. No drama. Must have time to spend with me, substantial income, and a nice ride.

Well, I can be down with the disease and drug free, if you don't count my prescription shyt.

But as far as time, hell, I hardly have time for myself. And income….I have myself and three cats to take care of…and that doesn't even include bills, and a nice ride…well, I'm pretty happy with what I have, but I'm sure it isn't a chic magnet.

It rarely matters in this day and age whether you have a good heart, caring soul--that you've had your share of troubles but you are still hanging in there. As long as the surface looks fine, most people don't really care about what's underneath.

Hell, some people will even stay with a fine person who can give some good sex, knowing that the person's super crazy (like having to sleep with one eye open or they will stab your ass) or even if the person is constantly unfaithful.

You can brag you got the prettiest woman on the east side of the Mississippi, but what good is it going to do you, especially if you're getting played for a fool!

I think the Internet has made folks lazy or less careful. If the Internet wasn't in existence, how many people would really have sex with someone they just chatted with two hours ago?

It's something to think about.

Relationships have become too much of a lot of things---

too scary

too focused on the external

at times, too sexually driven, especially if the sex is all that's keeping the two of you together

too convenient--when you're too lazy to go for better because the dating thing is really too much of a hassle

too temporary--all of the divorcing, splitting up, trying to decide custody of the animals, etc.

So the line gets blurred between whether I've really transformed into this person that is starting to appreciate the single perspective or whether the current examples of relationships (including my own struggles) have me jaded.

Perhaps it's a little of both.

Peace.

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