Sunday, May 15, 2022

Shadow Work Sunday: Journal Entry 13


Greetings to all. The Unleashed One here. How is everyone doing? In my neck of the woods, it appears that summer is attempting to sneak in early all this week. Yeah, it's better than it being extra cold but I wasn't in a hurry for extra hot either.

Originally I was going to post my midway results on a thirty-day eating theme that I'm trying, but I realized that I didn't have any proper visuals. In other words, I hadn't been taking any pictures of the meals, and I know when it comes to food, humans are very visual creatures, so I'm going to wait until the end to post my observations.

With that idea nipped in the bud, I decided to circle back to some Shadow Work. For a while, I had been working off the cusp as opposed to answering the prompts, but now there is a prompt that I am ready to address, so without further delay, let's start exploring.

What emotion do you try to avoid (sadness, jealousy, anger…). Why are you afraid of letting yourself feel that way?

Honestly, there is more than one which fits into this category, so I will start with most prevalent to least prevalent.

You can already tell by the Bitmoji the first one I wish to speak on, but in case you haven't guessed, it's anger. There is a reason why people say they seldom see me angry but when I do, watch out!

The reason why I don't like to feel anger is because in the past, I've had a difficult time reigning that wild cat in. I legit blackout. The period of time between the moment I feel it and the moment I react is lost. Other people have to tell me about what I did. In a physical altercation, I don't even hear reason or any cues to stop what I'm doing.

It really is the loss of control.

In the rare fights I've had in life, I've won them, but I don't ever want to go back to that dark space. That's why it's better for me to walk away to get myself calm and rational.

I get annoyed at people who are like, "You look so cute when you're mad" or "It turns me on when you're feisty". If you had any idea of what disturbing images are in my head when I'm at the pinnacle of pissed you'd be doing this ....

Another emotion that I avoid altogether is jealousy.

It's more from a place of not actually feeling such and my theory behind jealousy. My belief is that jealousy stems from insecurity but not all insecurity stems from jealousy. However, I was told by someone I was romantically involved with that it bothered them that I didn't act "jealous" over them. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the statement. I couldn't wrap my head around the statement. How can the failure of acting "jealous over them" trump showing love, devotion, and faithfulness to a relationship? Yet, in that person's eyes, because I wasn't overly checking in on his whereabouts (ie, texting, calling, and popping up), he believed I didn't care and sought attention elsewhere.

In addition, I equate jealousy, in its most extreme form, being controlling and over-possessive. Since I've been in a relationship where a person tried to use an iron fist to keep me with him, I have a rebellious streak when it pertains to anyone acting jealous over me to the point of constantly wanting me to report in or track my whereabouts.

Note: When in a committed relationship, I have no issue letting someone know where I'm going, if I've made it safely, and when I'm on my way back.

What prickles my last nerve is blowing up my phone (unless it is an actual emergency) or popping up to confirm I am where I say I am. I'm not that woman who does that because if you are truly committed to me, you are supposed to be trustworthy. The moment I feel like I have to get out of character to start playing CSI, then just know I'm already planning to make my exit.

I have read somewhere that every emotion possesses both positive and negative components. In my experiences with people, I have not encountered an instance where jealousy manifests itself positively. Yes, you wanted people to know that you love and care for their well-being. I just don't believe that jealousy is the proper vehicle in which to do so.

One emotion I avoided, but not so much anymore, is sadness. 

The pulse of sadness was similar to the pulse of anger. Sadness, unlike anger, usually plunged me into an ocean of idleness and overthinking, which is dangerous territory. Mainly because the debris of negative thoughts would be in the waters.

What has helped me not to avoid boils down to not just one step but multiple steps. Since my sadness mainly stemmed from it being suppressed, I had to find a method by which to express this emotion. For me, it helps to see it on paper or on a screen, for by seeing it, I can get to the root cause and how to take action, if any. If any of the actions involved having to talk to someone, then some more questions would pop up to decide how to best tackle the situation. I have to feel comfortable enough with a person to be vulnerable with him/her. If I am not, it can deter me from coming forward with how I am feeling.

In moments where I hit a roadblock with working through the sadness, conversing with someone through therapy has worked wonders.

Because my sadness hasn't wreaked havoc on my mental and emotional status as it had previously, I have put this in the "non-avoidance" category, but just thought to bring it up, since it had in the past.

Okay, I believe that covers this round of Shadow Work.

Until next time,

No comments: