Thursday, November 16, 2017

Emotional White Noise

All this week, I have felt this nudging. I knew the nudge was to write. At first, I believed it was to resume writing on my project that has been dormant for months. Unfortunately, I was stuck until I realized that it was really for me to blog.

I am not sure where this blog post will lead. It may be focused or scattered, yet I can offer no apologies if you, the Reader, get lost along the way.

2017 has been quite a year. Closure was finally put on something that had dragged on for about a year and a half. I am thankful I am out of the situation. On the same token, there is this lingering feeling of failure ... whether I am meant for the ultimate long-term ... to be someone's wife. It is almost like seeing something within reach, and when you reach for it, only your fingertips touch the item.

At the beginning of the year, upon the suggestion of one of my best friends, I decided to embark in the wilderness of dating. I know you may be thinking, "Wilderness? Are you being a bit overdramatic?" I really feel that term is accurate or even an understatement. I will not state the names of the sites, just in case some of you may want to try them. All I will say is "Beware".

Not every person uses these sites for the same reason. From what I have encountered, there are too many individuals utilizing these spots out of boredom or a quick thing, yet their profiles have words and lines that lure in others who are looking for longevity. However, you don't find out that you've been hoodwinked until you have already invested a bit of time and energy. Or, one has the other extreme: where you have expressed that you want to take things "nice and slow" and put on front street your situation, yet the other person ends up catching feelings "quick" and get pissed when you don't feel the same way.

Um ... maybe that is just me.

You ever see the movies or hear the songs about those women who have men who just can't get enough of them or can't continue with their lives due to being so hung up on the one they lost? Are you one of those people that believe this to be romantic or a testament to everlasting love? If so, I would love for you and me to trade places. Being in this stasis ... this cycle ... gives me no joy. It is torture to me, although the "admirers" probably won't buy this revelation.

I underestimated how much of an emotional rollercoaster my journey would be. Yet, the moment I got back to familiar ground, all spiritual weight crashed down like a ton of cement bricks. Every decibel of anxiety, angst, sadness, and bittersweet surrounded me. Having happiness peek through was a battle. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that all was bad. I was just reminded too much of the reasons why another location is my residence in the first place.

I also underestimated the unfinished state of emotional business. Just because one person has dealt with things doesn't mean the other person has. It is one thing to text, email, even talk on the phone. It is a whole other ball of wax when one is in front of you after many years. 

Closure isn't always simple. It can morph into an entity even more complicated than when it started. I often wonder if it is part of my tapestry that time serves as the enemy. Or, is the other just that reckless, knowing of a situation yet choosing not to care or believing the nostalgia of past events is stronger than the happiness of a present and a brighter future? 

I'm not one who sips from the goblet of "what if" or nibbles the dessert of "looking back". The one time I partook of said dessert, I got burned. I was scarred in a manner which taints how I initially approach and perceive men. I'm not saying I didn't forgive but it clings to me. How can I really be friends with the very person who taught me what mental, emotional, and psychological abuse looks like? Isn't civility supposed to be a struggle and not easy? Even hearing this person's voice brought it all back, and all of the emotions that got shoved from my brain to my pen bubbled up like vile and tumbled out in confusion, anger, and outright rage. The nerve of my first abuser even thinking it could be swept like a cloud of dust that was missed like it can be a fresh start. 

I am so sick of the perpetrators of pain acting like the victims, not stopping to consider the effects their actions have caused. When he couldn't name all the wrongs, it incensed me. The least one could do was know exactly what the apology was for. Not just "whatever I've done". Be accountable and just accept that this will not have a fairytale ending. I've done over two decades without this person being in my life and (shocker) I will be a-ok with the person being gone for another two decades.

Yet, despite being told this, he adamantly refuses to accept my truth. He blindly believes that I'm the one for him; I am Heaven sent. I don't believe that God would damn me to someone who doesn't truly embody what love represents, no matter what religion one practices.

With each passing day, I am thankful to do things to create my own joy and my own happiness. The fallacy is to place the job of joy and happiness on other people. Many years ago, I was guilty of that, yet the only way I could do work on self was to be by myself for an extended period of time. 

When things fell apart around my birthday back in 2015, there was a level of devastation with everything. However, as time passed, opportunities opened themselves up which resulted in the steady improvement of my life. Was it really coincidence? Or was the person in my life actually blocking my blessings instead of being one? As others discovered that the portrait painted of me was a fallacy and came around to associating with me again, I didn't want to interact with them. Although glad they found out the truth, my philosophy is this: "If you didn't stand by me before, don't try and do it now. If you really cared for me, you would have asked me, not automatically believed my ex." I was going to be fine like I've always been—single or coupled.

I am uncertain when is the next time I'll make such a long journey. I'm not that same person who left back in 2001. Things are different. I am different. Unfortunately, a lot has to transpire for others to get the message, but I will no longer feel guilty for living this life ... an authentic life ... my life.


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