These thoughts have been swirling for the longest. I wasn’t sure when would be the right time to put them out there. On the same token, I never give them a timetable; whatever pops up first is what tends to get written about.
This has been inspired by quite a few things:
1. The things that occurred and are still occurring in the aftermath of my grandfather’s death a little over a year ago.
But more so because of:
2. The recent events that occurred during the recent passing of the Sweetie’s dad.
When my time comes, ask yourself if you really knew me.
When I was going through my awkward phase, did you seek to understand me or did you poke fun? Did you shun me for seeking intelligence or did you just use me for it?
Or were you fair-weather, willing to stay when things were smooth, but saved yourself if it appeared, if only temporarily, instances when times were rough.
Were you a taker and walked away when I decided I could no longer give or that the giving towards you was draining the life out of me?
Did you embody the principles of love or did you mistreat me, make a fool of me, and expect me to stick around?
Did you break my heart and feel no guilt?
Did you try to return simply because the other person failed you or you realized I was the best thing that ever happened to you?
Did your love still remain even if I decided it was best that we remained exes? Or did it fade off at the sign of bad news?
Yes, so many questions, but I put all these things out there to say this:
If you don’t try to get to know me currently…
If you aren’t trying to be a good friend to me currently…
If you are playing around with the word “love” as it pertains to our interaction currently…
Please don’t act like we were something else once I’m gone.
I get it. During a time of loss, you don’t want to look bad. You don’t want to make it seem like you weren’t right, so you play the role.
Outsiders will look at you and be like, “That’s so sweet for so and so to come out, make the trip, etc.”
However, I will be wondering, “What are you doing here?” So will those who know the history.
I just want you to acknowledge you are being there to make yourself feel good, not out of any love, honor, or respect towards me (unless you are truly repenting). You think by being there in the latter, it will grant you forgiveness for not being there in the former.
Also, how does it look if you make a big almost Oscar worthy speech of your love for me, peace for the family, and a few days later, you go back to the very foulness that could have caused the dissent in the first place?
Yes, that’s the main thing I want adhered to when my time comes: No fronting, if you weren’t there before, don’t try to make a grand appearance now.