Friday, February 3, 2012

Marriage: Evaluation part two

Reference Blogs:  Relationship CredosRelationshipsRelationship BlueprintWake Up CallDear Soul MateLove Lessons LearnedMarried Life: An Evaluation

Okay, now that I got all the Reference Blogs out the way....

I was moved to write this because I had been reading a few articles about cohabitation vs. marriage.

Because I know people who are living together but either party doesn't want to get married.

And I know of situations where the female has been living with the guy for years; she wants the ring and he is hesitant but in the end, he finally gives in.

And then I know of the worse scenario, when the female has lived with the guy for years, wants to get married, but in the end, they not only never get married but the relationship eventually ends.  Then, the female ends up bitter because she invested all that time in someone she loved but didn't get the title in the end.

The last scenario reminds me of my uncle's situation.  For most of my life, he has been involved with his high school sweetheart.  They had been living together.  They have a child together; who is married herself and has a daughter.  She endured with him through everything, even when there were situations when he had caused her to lose her homes (yes, plural).  She even tried to stick it out with him when he started dealing with another woman.  Now, this other woman, claimed she didn't know he was involved, but even after discovering it, she still chose to mess around with him.

At some point, my uncle's high school sweetheart reached her breaking point.  I don't know whether it was this other woman starting to cause trouble for her and him or just she was tired of holding him down and not having the title of "wife" rather than playing "wifey" to show for it.

So it makes me wonder if marriage is still a necessity, since I have seen episodes of Divorce Court where couples had lived together for 15 years, finally get married, only to divorce two years later.  You would think since they lived together, they know each other.  What couldn't you deal with once married that you dealt with fine before the ring?

Verdict on Cohabitation vs MarriageDoes Marriage Really Make People Happier?

Two entirely different views on the issue in these two articles.  The first article, marriage wins hands down and goes line by line why cohabitation is a bad idea.  The second article, says almost the opposite, that all of the social, health, and psychological advantages that marriage has over cohabitation isn't all that significant.

My grandma is not a big fan of "shacking up."  I think some of it did come from the fact that my uncle did not do right by the woman he had spent decades with.

I feel that people should do what is best for them.

Why should there be anything wrong if you don't want the ring?  If he doesn't want the ring?  If you are comfortable with the way things are, then live the relationship accordingly.  The outside world may not understand, but it's not their relationship.

However, if that stance shifts, communication is key.  Because who says one may not change her mind and decide, "I want the ring after all."  Because his stance may remain the same; then you both have to decide what to do.  Or vice versa.

On this, I can only speak for me.

I have been in my share of relationships.

The relationships that were deemed somewhat serious, my grandma knew about.

I didn't take every guy I dated around my grandma; every guy didn't have that right.  A guy would know I was serious about him if I presented him to my grandma.  That way, if the relationship didn't pan out, it isn't as if my family got majorly attached to him.

Also, my grandma would tell me or let me know in little ways whether she liked the guy, found something weird about him, or what not.  I'm not saying that based on what my grandma said, I would split with the guy automatically; I am the type that likes to find out things for myself.  My grandma's intuitiveness is extremely accurate; most of my relationships that failed she had sensed they would collapse for one reason or another.

I can count on one hand how many guys met with my grandma's seal of approval.

(laughing to self)

Despite hearing stories of some of my friends/classmates getting married, only to get separated and/or divorced, I have concluded that marriage is still something I would like to do.

As far as the whole living together, I can't see myself living with someone 5, 10 years and not being married to them, not just in concept but paper as well.

Plus, there are only a few states that recognize common law marriages as valid anyway.

Not faulting anyone who can do it; it's just not me.

However, I am not one to put pressure on anyone, either.  I did express my stance on the issue, to let it be known.  Because how can you be mad if it isn't done if you didn't even let the person know?  After that, the ball is in his court.  Either he will do the steps to make it happen, if he wants the same thing.  Or he will let you know by actions (or his lack of) if he is going to make his move.

I'm not going to be that person that keeps harping and dogging a person until the "yes" comes out.  He may get some reminders along the way, so it won't be a surprise if I'm outie.  And if he does happen to ask why, I will just reference what I said before.

But those are scenarios I don't have to worry about.

Everything happens in its' own timetable; some things definitely happened when I least expected it.

Life still has pleasant surprises, and I am happy and thankful.



Reggie said...

Very interesting post. I'm sure that this would make a lot of people think.

No Labels said...

Thanks, Reggie, for your insight!