Monday, September 5, 2011

Dear Grandpa (from an aching soul)



Dear Grandpa,

I feel your spirit but it just isn't the same.

I feel so lost without you.

You had an inner calm about you I wish I could just grasp...just immerse myself in.

I can't lie.  I spend times being so mad with God.  Why did He have to take you? I would have rather He'd taken me. I just knew you had so much time left.

You were there when no else was.  I could confide in you. We didn't even have to talk to each other; we could just sit next to each other.  Listening to music.  just going place.  just looking at TV.  I felt so safe, so loved, even if you didn't always say it; I knew you felt it.  I knew you loved me. 

When I felt like no else did, I knew you had me.  through everything.

Besides Grandma, everyone else seems so strange.  Even folks I used to talk to.  I don't know if I can even talk about the amount of pain I'm in.

Although I know Grandma can relate, she's grieving you, too.  I respect that.  I don't expect her to take my pain and make it hers.

I don't know if I want to be close to my mom.  She hasn't changed.  Still stuck in sixteen year old mentality.  Dealing with all these different men that aren't any good.  The one you definitely didn't like; they had an altercation; I'm sure you knew.  She called the police.  She is police happy, I tell you.  When you were alive, the property never saw so much action.

And the guy,  You know the guy.  as much as I want him to be there, I don't know if he should.  I don't know if he can or if he is strong enough.  All of this weight I feel I have to carry alone~if not in this life perhaps the next one.  He means well but I'm not easy.  I've never been.  Guess I've been through too much.  Too much heartache.  Too much disappointment.  Besides you and Grandma, I don't have much faith in people.

But you already know that.

i mean, I'm nice to people.  I don't go out of my way to be mean to people.  but I can't let everyone close.  

You probably see that I'm working.  I am grateful, but it's tough.  I know what I used to be, what I used to do.  I feel like i'm sixteen again, working my first job.  You remember the cashier job at Piggly Wiggly?  You would take me from school? Or if it's the weekend, you would take me from the house to the job? You remember that old guy, Frank, who tried to act like he was interested in me...you didn't like that one bit.  You were so sharp, eyes like a hawk...you told him he should stay away from me...deal with someone his own age.  At times I still think what has become of him..that guy, did he accomplish his dreams and aspirations?

It's tough because I see folks younger than me, with salaries, that have no idea what they are doing and yet they have so much power.  The guy with the red hair; it's hard for me to talk to him without wanting to snap his head off.  He's passive, aggressive.  I hate that more than someone just straight out saying, "I don't like you."  That I can respect.

I can't respect the whole trying to be friends with me when you're my boss. It's different if you were friends beforehand, but don't do it, especially when I expressed that I didn't want that.

It just didn't seem enough when I told him to quit making fun of my slight Southern accent, which only gets pronounced when I'm upset.  or when I would switch subjects when he would try to find out more about my personal life.

I don't want to share that with him.  He's not a person I want to make small talk with.  He's creepy; I think he gets stoned when he isn't at work.  Heck, he may be high when he is working.  I don't care what he does after work.  I just want him to act like a frigging manager.

Him-manager.

Me-subordinate.

I shouldn't be smarter than him when it comes to running a place, but I am.  But unlike other positions, I don't get paid enough to do his job, so I'm not going to do his job for him.

But I'm also not going to do the whole "yes, boss" thing when I sense I'm being taken advantage of; I don't care about this job that much.  My former full time job sapped that gusto out of me.

So I have to speak my mind to let them know I'm not a fool; some days are tougher than other; this was just one of those tough days.

I was left to do most of the work because he was too lazy to clean, so I fell behind in stuff I needed to do; then when it was close to the end of shift; it took twenty minutes when it should have taken five because he was slow poking around.

That is the thing that gets me...staying later when I didn't have to and most of it...get this...because he wanted me to take pictures of him acting goofy.

Yeah Grandpa, isn't that the stupidest shit (sorry Grandpa) you ever heard of?

Life is so hard.

It's doubly triply hard without you.  

My birthday is coming up soon; I don't even feel like celebrating.  I've never felt like that before.  I would always look forward to hearing your voice, receiving a card from you and Grandma....they always meant the world to me.  I have every single card you and grandma ever gave me.  I never threw them away.  never.

I'm having a hard time coping.  Everything is coming up and out.  Perhaps it all should have come out months ago, at the onset.

But you know with our family, a lot of our stuff is delayed.

I just want to celebrate it with you.  

Can I just celebrate my birthday with you?

We can have your favorite cake this time.  

Heck, we can have two cakes.  Coconut cake for you.  Regular pound cake for me.  I'll have you a bottle of Pepsi and I will have Dr. Pepper.  Or we can catch up with Aunt Emma and she will give us those old fashioned Cokes in the glass bottle.  Those were the best, those old fashioned Cokes, and she always had them ice cold.

Then, I'd be free from all of this worry.  

Looking at the account, going from day to day, not knowing if I'm going to have enough money.

Knowing I'm sick, not knowing what is causing any of it.  

Trying to do optimal performance when I can't be that to everyone, even the people who need me to be at that part because they haven't gotten to that point.

I can be responsible for just me, no one else.  

But who can need me more than you?

I know you keep talking about the guy, but the guy will be fine.  He's made of strong stuff.  He's stronger than he realizes it; he doesn't really need me.  I know you keep telling me he does, but I just feel like he was fine without me.  Well, fine in the sense that he was alive.

But like you say, "Alive and living aren't the same."

Grandma needs me, but I'm too far away; I can't save money to get closer because of other stuff taking the money.  Grandma's made of strong stuff, too.  But you already know that.

For my mom?  What a joke; she can't tell whether she's coming or going.  I feel like I'm the grownup and she's the child....it's so exasperating.  I know she's not strong, but I have always had to be the bigger person.  Grandpa, she's beyond help!  Can't I for once be the fool?

Aaargh!!!!!

So I'm an expert of trying to rationalize everyone's strength.  

I guess I imagine the world would be fine without me.  

But that's the reality.  People die everyday; the outside world doesn't stop.  Everything keeps moving.  That's the way of things.

I still ask Him why not me; I would have given anything for it to have been me and not you.  Even when I began having the dreams, I begged Him to take me instead, and He still didn't.

But I'm supposed to be here doing something.  Like what and with what ends in which to do it?  I'm not rich; where are all these riches supposed to come from?

But Grandpa, we would have so much fun together, like we used to.  I just want to have that joy I felt...the joy that never seems to remain.

I just feel stuck in this quicksand with no solace.

Forgive me, but the most complete solace I ever had was with you.

Love always.



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