Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Day 29~Dear Soul Mate (winks)

29~ Write a Love letter to your soul mate (whether you feel you've met them or not):

Dearest Soul,

Before I begin, I would like to ask for your forgiveness.  I know you are looking puzzled as I write this, but this must come first. 
Forgive me when I first pushed you away. 
I was caught up in my own problems, my own pain.  I was trying to work everything out on my own.  I did not realize I needed help.  I kept trying to be Superwoman for everyone else, not even thinking about who would be Super for me when I got hit with my Kryptonite.
Forgive me when I kept pushing you away, after I made the door to my heart slightly ajar.  The regurgitation of my past experience sometimes translated into Fear.  At times, it worked magic, transforming you into the very demons that I was fighting.  It's not fair for you to keep paying for others' mistakes.
Forgive me when I project my insecurities onto you..to make things of you that aren't even about you.
Even as I write this, I know you have already said, "There's nothing to forgive."
That's one of the many reasons why I love you.
You did not come to me when I was at optimum performance.
When you first came into my world, my body was overworked; my heart, soul, and spirit still shattered by a prior relationship, the longest I had ever had.  You stood on the sidelines, as friend, while I went through two other short lived relationships that took their tolls emotionally, and one, financially.
You were my shoulder to cry on; the one who held me; the one who listened. 
When you revealed you wanted to be with me, I thought you were outside of your mind.  Do you see this hot mess?  Do you know what you're getting into?
I spit off every reason possible why the union could never be.  Yet you weren't buying the no.
Then, on top of that, I lost my main source of income. 
Just as I was climbing out of my writer's block, I sank again. 
I had the worst bout of depression and anxiety I ever had since making the decision to come off my medication (due to not being able to afford it for me and the person I was with; later, because I just couldn't afford it and lost insurance). 
I was not the best representative of human, much less someone that should be a person's mate.
Yet, you still saw beauty, strength, dignity, and worth.  You still saw the fighter in me when at the low points, I could not see it in myself. 
You were there for me when I had to make the tough choices...to cut people loose not necessarily because I wanted to but because I had to for my own emotional sanity.
In return, all you asked for was a chance to love me in the hopes that I would love you back.  You didn't ask for money, demand I look a certain way...you took me as I was, flaws and all.
I haven't made us a picnic.  At times, I've been the ant making the person trying to enjoy the food miserable.  But you would spray Off and keep it moving.
I know this is what true love, Soul Love, is supposed to be about. 
Not the stuff you read in Harlequin or in the movies.  But the journey==the highs and the lows.  Anyone can be down with you during the good times.  When things are bad and just keep getting worse, it is a gut check;one doesn't expect a person to stay put.   In my experiences, when stuff got tough, the supposedly "down" got going, quicker than a speeding bullet.
But not you.  I thank you for that...for remaining steadfast.
I have to take it one day at a time because of my other failed journeys.  Yet you have already told me, "We are going to be together for life.  I'm waiting on you to catch up."
Your Queen

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