Thursday, April 15, 2010

Levels of Loss

It's been a while since I have written here.

I could say it is because I have been struggling on forming the words. On what to say and how to say them. I could also say that I've been depressed over the series of unfortunate events. That things came in threes, sixes, and nines and that after a while everything gets to be overwhelming.

All of these things are true.

Levels of loss.....

Due to financial situations that came up, I had my first car, Miracle :( ( I miss her so) taken away from me. I rented a car for almost a month until I decided to settle on a truck, mainly because doing the car rentals were way too expensive.

It was a relatively older truck...but it could get me from point A to point B, to make due until I got something else. Plus the guy that I was close friends with at the time (key word at the time...I'll rewind to that in a minute) did work as a mechanic said that he would work out any kinks he found on the vehicle.

Well, there was one thing after another going on with it. For one, the heat didn't work on it after it was purchased. The old owner of the truck did admit that he did some fancy wiring on it during testing to make sure that the heat worked. Then, having to get some new parts that could be dismissed as normal wear and tear...but I kept staying positive about it, thinking the whole thing was temporary.

The original name of the truck was Boss, but soon had the nickname Bitch or PITA (Pain in the Ass) because as soon as one thing got repaired, something else happened to it.

Then fast forward to February of this year. Major snow was VERY STRONGLY advised that if you didn't need to drive, then don't. However, two of my drivers had called out and I had to come in early. I made my first delivery and was on my way back to the store when I lost control of the truck during the storm...ending up hitting two cars and smashing into the concrete embankment which surrounded a lake. The way the truck was positioned...any more force one way or the other and I would not be typing this post right now.

In the state of NJ (I don't know whether it is true anywhere else or not) but if you have your car financed (make payments), you have to get collision and comprehensive coverage on your vehicle. If it isn't financed, you don't have to. The truck, unfortunately, didn't have this type of coverage on there. I was trying to save myself money by not putting on there, not thinking that I would get into an accident this major....but perhaps I should have left things as they were.

But I can't go back and change it.

Although one could drive the truck, it wasn't really safe to do so. The damage (mainly made by the concrete embankment) caused the whole front of the car to be pushed back and many people I went to said it would be best to chalk it up as a loss since it would take almost four grand to fix all of the damage.

Plus it didn't help that behind the wheel, I would get really bad panic attacks and flashbacks from the accident.

So for my own peace of mind, I had to get rid of Bitch.

And two weeks after that, I lost my job. I'm not going to go deep into it because of the pending lawsuit. All I will say is the way they went about the whole thing really bothers me and borders or violating my employee rights. We will just have to see what happens.

Not working is not a normal state for me. I have worked since I was sixteen years old. I love the ability to have money and know that I got it in a way that I can feel proud of...that I'm able to sleep at night without guilt. I can feel and be independent and don't have to depend on anyone else.

Being in this state where I have no choice but to rely on much as I try to get past it, hurts. I hate being this my potential is being restrained.

Others are trying to get me to see that all of this happening is a blessing in disguise...the pathway I need to really get on track.

But I hardly know where to start. I'm still depressed about everything and it's been hard to fight my depression without the medication. More so my ups and downs with my mood swings. One minute I feel like I'm able to take on the world; the next, I feel like the world is taking me on and pummeling the crap out of me.

I know that it is recommended that I have folks around me, but I'm so conditioned to those fair weathered people...meaning people who are around me when things are going so well but when not so well, no where to be found...that my attitude is, "why would anyone want to be around me when I'm no ray of sunshine"

So I isolate, but that's not the best state for me either. I try to remind myself that others have been through it, and have made it out. And there are folks still going through it that are in worse shape than I am.

But I'm waiting for that inner gusto...the one that screams never gives up and sees this not as a liability but as a challenge to do better and be better.

I haven't found her yet. I just pray that she isn't gone forever.


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